Michelstaedter
Member
- Feb 25, 2025
- 25
For a long time I have suffered from depression, and in recent years I have also suffered from a marked anxiety. I tried to alleviate it with antidepressants and benzos that were prescribed to me and at first everything was good or at least hopeful. Speaking of the last 10 years, I have to say that I have been falling to the bottom of an abyss with no way out, I have been seeing how high school or college classmates with whom I used to have a certain friendship, were "disappearing" from my life, either because of work, because of their personal plans, because they had made other "more interesting" friendships and many other reasons. In a nutshell, I was left alone.
I sought psychological help and a little psychiatric help, it didn't work, I am currently skeptical that psychiatric medications can help solve a problem that will not end, much less in a world as wild as the one we live in, where many of us are segregated and are only seen as "poor sick people." I tried to make friends on social media, and I found disgustingly ill-intentioned people with other situations that made it impossible to have a healthy coexistence or simply mutual support to cope with the situation. In the end, in my last foray into "self-help groups", I only found people with "I'm the same, I feel very depressed" and what was worse, those who for some reason were in those groups but told you things like: "stop complaining! You need balls to fight and keep living".
To finish this "a little bit about me", is that I am no longer interested in anything. I tried to have a girlfriend when I was younger and failed, as I said in some post, it was more due to lack of affection and emotional emptiness than because I saw it as a help or reason to "heal" my emotional wounds. I have no friends, no job (I have never had a formal one) and if that were not enough, what gave me drive all these years were my pets, of which I have seen them die one by one, until now I only have one left and frankly, the day he dies, I would prefer not to continue in this world, of which I am tired, fed up, with physical ailments, constant anxiety and pain that makes existence difficult. a terrible agony.
I feel sorry for my father, but I have already given him "clues" that I will not be in this world one day. He will suffer, unfortunately, but sooner or later it will have to come and if I wait until the day he dies, I don't know if I will still have the same impetus to end it all or if I will just be "absent" mentally, so as to be lucid and end my life as I almost always wanted.
I sought psychological help and a little psychiatric help, it didn't work, I am currently skeptical that psychiatric medications can help solve a problem that will not end, much less in a world as wild as the one we live in, where many of us are segregated and are only seen as "poor sick people." I tried to make friends on social media, and I found disgustingly ill-intentioned people with other situations that made it impossible to have a healthy coexistence or simply mutual support to cope with the situation. In the end, in my last foray into "self-help groups", I only found people with "I'm the same, I feel very depressed" and what was worse, those who for some reason were in those groups but told you things like: "stop complaining! You need balls to fight and keep living".
To finish this "a little bit about me", is that I am no longer interested in anything. I tried to have a girlfriend when I was younger and failed, as I said in some post, it was more due to lack of affection and emotional emptiness than because I saw it as a help or reason to "heal" my emotional wounds. I have no friends, no job (I have never had a formal one) and if that were not enough, what gave me drive all these years were my pets, of which I have seen them die one by one, until now I only have one left and frankly, the day he dies, I would prefer not to continue in this world, of which I am tired, fed up, with physical ailments, constant anxiety and pain that makes existence difficult. a terrible agony.
I feel sorry for my father, but I have already given him "clues" that I will not be in this world one day. He will suffer, unfortunately, but sooner or later it will have to come and if I wait until the day he dies, I don't know if I will still have the same impetus to end it all or if I will just be "absent" mentally, so as to be lucid and end my life as I almost always wanted.
