I need to vent bc I literally can not tell anyone else how I feel. I'm ready to CTB any day now after I come up with hopefully a guaranteed plan and i don't want any of my friends or family to feel responsible bc they knew how i felt, if that makes any sense?
I have struggled a lot over the years like everyone else. More recently though losing my boyfriend has pushed me to the edge. He was murdered a few months ago by someone he called a friend. He was stabbed three times, one in the neck causing him to bleed out. We were on bad terms when he died and i will never be able to forgive myself for that. Everyday I wake up with no drive. This is not an irrational decision for me.
I've had support me during these times, but it's not enough to make me want to stay. i don't want to stay for them and i don't want to stay for myself.
I'm hoping to figure things out soon. This sounds crazy, but i'm hoping that afterwards it will change some people for the better? Like I said i've had people here for me during these times, but so much of my family and "close" friends have just watched me struggle if that makes sense? However i do not want anyone of them to feel responsible, one thing I hope is that they gain something from my situation and they're able to be there for more people in the future.... that's the first time i've really put it in words so i'm kind of struggling to do that. I don't blame anyone's lack of support on my decision, I have struggled with so much even before this. I'm a very compassionate person. I don't want to hurt anyone (although we all know how that goes) but for me, this is what i need.
Thanks for letting me rant haha. Like i said, hopefully i'm able to come up with a great plan and catch a bus out of here.
I have struggled a lot over the years like everyone else. More recently though losing my boyfriend has pushed me to the edge. He was murdered a few months ago by someone he called a friend. He was stabbed three times, one in the neck causing him to bleed out. We were on bad terms when he died and i will never be able to forgive myself for that. Everyday I wake up with no drive. This is not an irrational decision for me.
I've had support me during these times, but it's not enough to make me want to stay. i don't want to stay for them and i don't want to stay for myself.
I'm hoping to figure things out soon. This sounds crazy, but i'm hoping that afterwards it will change some people for the better? Like I said i've had people here for me during these times, but so much of my family and "close" friends have just watched me struggle if that makes sense? However i do not want anyone of them to feel responsible, one thing I hope is that they gain something from my situation and they're able to be there for more people in the future.... that's the first time i've really put it in words so i'm kind of struggling to do that. I don't blame anyone's lack of support on my decision, I have struggled with so much even before this. I'm a very compassionate person. I don't want to hurt anyone (although we all know how that goes) but for me, this is what i need.
Thanks for letting me rant haha. Like i said, hopefully i'm able to come up with a great plan and catch a bus out of here.
