sonax22
god
- Mar 25, 2019
- 68
A life testimony
Before I ctb
What I wrote here has no basis other than my own subjective experience, I am not claiming that any of my views or conclusions are true or false, I'm just sharing the accumulation of my experience in this lifetime.
I've been suicidal ever since I was a child, I don't have much memory of most of my life, my mind blocked out most of it. But I always remember the feeling of wanting to end my life every single day. I was a gifted child but as I grow up, a lot of mental disturbances came along the way, so many suicide attempts here and there, failed in my education, now unemployed in my mid 20s, with a college degree that I was able to get at the edge of a final warning of suspension. I am unwilling to get a job, even though I tell everyone that "jobs are hard to get these days''. I get an allowance from my family, and in return I cook and clean for them, because they gave birth to me for the sole purpose of me taking care of them, what else would I do right? gotta pay them back or else I'm ungrateful and evil.
The biggest life lesson I have learned in this lifetime is that ignorance is truly a bliss, the more you know, the more you suffer. my biggest "problem" ever since I was a child is questioning things, and not having one view of something, I couldn't just agree with my parents when they told me "you have to pay us back for everything we did to you", or "to be good is to sacrifice your needs and joy for others" or "you always have to respect and obey us even if we are manipulative and guilt trip you for existing" or "here is a god that will punish you if you don't love him".
My biggest suffering is my unwillingness to suffer. In society you have to fit a certain status quo, guidelines, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, in order to be a person. Anything that is slightly off the current, is considered wrong and ill. I thought about this for years, I've done a lot of digging in my psyche, faced my "shadows". and I truly believe that my mental illnesses mean that I just do not fit the norm, the very same norm that is created by humans just like me. When you are mentally ill, you can't function in a society, that means you cannot benefit others, which is your sole purpose in life, always benefit others, because caring about your own needs and desires is selfish and evil?? Do you see what I'm getting at? That is one hell of a great system, where the power condemns YOUR desires and you praise you when you help them get what THEY desire. Obviously something is wrong with you if you don't have a job to serve us, obviously something is wrong with you, if you don't think the way we want you to think.
What I don't understand is how am I supposed to agree and follow rules, guidelines that are created by people like me, and how do you trust who is wrong and right. In actuality there is no right and wrong beyond our understanding of right and wrong. right and wrong change to fit those in power, whether it's higher power or even your own parents. And I've always hated the idea of being unworthy of love unless you earn it. This was the originator of my mental illnesses, I was taught that I needed to earn the love I receive, my self identity was non-existent because I always had to fit myself to what others view as lovable. Shamed and guilt tripped for being me when I was a child, my mentality shaped itself to what it is today, and I can't seem to get past seeing myself without other people's perception of me.
I always hated being told what to do and I felt evil for being so, I was always taught that I didn't know better, that there is always someone more knowledgeable than me and knows myself and my life better than my own self. And so I agreed with them until my 20's where I awakened to the manipulative, power driven, order mongering earth humans, who only accept what fits the system and throws anything that is slightly crooked out of the window, by calling them mentally ill, and making them believe they are mentally ill which results in their mental illness.
Now I'm at the point where I do not care about anything anymore, knowing that everything I know and see in my entire life is made up, nothing is really anything, humans give meaning to things. With that conclusion there is zero reason for me to entertain this place any longer. What kept me going through all these years is thinking that there is a reason, a purpose for me here, that I needed to be here, I HAD to be here. But now I know it's not true. It doesn't mean that there cannot be a purpose here, it means that there is a choice in being here or not, Having a choice is freedom. Now I can let go of control, of trying to fix myself, to hold on, to be better, to thrive, to succeed. Having a choice in not doing that, because of simply not wanting to do that, is all I ever wanted, a choice.
Now to preface what's coming, I am completely aware that this will come off as psychotic And you will interpret it, the way your reality is and beliefs are. And Hey maybe you believe in the same things too, HELLO THEN.
I do believe in reincarnation, infinite realties, multi verse, life beyond space and time, that we are all experiencing itself, and most of all I believe we have a choice in living or not. I have contact with beings from other planets and spirits, and yes I could be schizo but I'm about to ctb, you think I care whether it is all real or in my head. And at the end of the day, There is no good and evil, no punishment or reward, just experience. I have come to terms in that I wanted to be here in this life to experience everything I had. And beyond human living, suffering, pain, love, good, evil ect, do not exist, I believe humans are unique in the fact that they can experience all of that, which is why higher beings reincarnate here. I do not regret my life choices, and I do not regret my suffering, I come to peace with the fact that I got to experience it and now I have the choice to not to.
At the time of writing this, I'm planning to ctb tomorrow, even though my method is not great, its side effects would kill me soon enough, even if not on the same day, I'm willing to suffer just a bit more. If you can't tell, I genuinely do not care what happens anymore and that is a scary but beautiful feeling.
Before I ctb
What I wrote here has no basis other than my own subjective experience, I am not claiming that any of my views or conclusions are true or false, I'm just sharing the accumulation of my experience in this lifetime.
I've been suicidal ever since I was a child, I don't have much memory of most of my life, my mind blocked out most of it. But I always remember the feeling of wanting to end my life every single day. I was a gifted child but as I grow up, a lot of mental disturbances came along the way, so many suicide attempts here and there, failed in my education, now unemployed in my mid 20s, with a college degree that I was able to get at the edge of a final warning of suspension. I am unwilling to get a job, even though I tell everyone that "jobs are hard to get these days''. I get an allowance from my family, and in return I cook and clean for them, because they gave birth to me for the sole purpose of me taking care of them, what else would I do right? gotta pay them back or else I'm ungrateful and evil.
The biggest life lesson I have learned in this lifetime is that ignorance is truly a bliss, the more you know, the more you suffer. my biggest "problem" ever since I was a child is questioning things, and not having one view of something, I couldn't just agree with my parents when they told me "you have to pay us back for everything we did to you", or "to be good is to sacrifice your needs and joy for others" or "you always have to respect and obey us even if we are manipulative and guilt trip you for existing" or "here is a god that will punish you if you don't love him".
My biggest suffering is my unwillingness to suffer. In society you have to fit a certain status quo, guidelines, behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, in order to be a person. Anything that is slightly off the current, is considered wrong and ill. I thought about this for years, I've done a lot of digging in my psyche, faced my "shadows". and I truly believe that my mental illnesses mean that I just do not fit the norm, the very same norm that is created by humans just like me. When you are mentally ill, you can't function in a society, that means you cannot benefit others, which is your sole purpose in life, always benefit others, because caring about your own needs and desires is selfish and evil?? Do you see what I'm getting at? That is one hell of a great system, where the power condemns YOUR desires and you praise you when you help them get what THEY desire. Obviously something is wrong with you if you don't have a job to serve us, obviously something is wrong with you, if you don't think the way we want you to think.
What I don't understand is how am I supposed to agree and follow rules, guidelines that are created by people like me, and how do you trust who is wrong and right. In actuality there is no right and wrong beyond our understanding of right and wrong. right and wrong change to fit those in power, whether it's higher power or even your own parents. And I've always hated the idea of being unworthy of love unless you earn it. This was the originator of my mental illnesses, I was taught that I needed to earn the love I receive, my self identity was non-existent because I always had to fit myself to what others view as lovable. Shamed and guilt tripped for being me when I was a child, my mentality shaped itself to what it is today, and I can't seem to get past seeing myself without other people's perception of me.
I always hated being told what to do and I felt evil for being so, I was always taught that I didn't know better, that there is always someone more knowledgeable than me and knows myself and my life better than my own self. And so I agreed with them until my 20's where I awakened to the manipulative, power driven, order mongering earth humans, who only accept what fits the system and throws anything that is slightly crooked out of the window, by calling them mentally ill, and making them believe they are mentally ill which results in their mental illness.
Now I'm at the point where I do not care about anything anymore, knowing that everything I know and see in my entire life is made up, nothing is really anything, humans give meaning to things. With that conclusion there is zero reason for me to entertain this place any longer. What kept me going through all these years is thinking that there is a reason, a purpose for me here, that I needed to be here, I HAD to be here. But now I know it's not true. It doesn't mean that there cannot be a purpose here, it means that there is a choice in being here or not, Having a choice is freedom. Now I can let go of control, of trying to fix myself, to hold on, to be better, to thrive, to succeed. Having a choice in not doing that, because of simply not wanting to do that, is all I ever wanted, a choice.
Now to preface what's coming, I am completely aware that this will come off as psychotic And you will interpret it, the way your reality is and beliefs are. And Hey maybe you believe in the same things too, HELLO THEN.
I do believe in reincarnation, infinite realties, multi verse, life beyond space and time, that we are all experiencing itself, and most of all I believe we have a choice in living or not. I have contact with beings from other planets and spirits, and yes I could be schizo but I'm about to ctb, you think I care whether it is all real or in my head. And at the end of the day, There is no good and evil, no punishment or reward, just experience. I have come to terms in that I wanted to be here in this life to experience everything I had. And beyond human living, suffering, pain, love, good, evil ect, do not exist, I believe humans are unique in the fact that they can experience all of that, which is why higher beings reincarnate here. I do not regret my life choices, and I do not regret my suffering, I come to peace with the fact that I got to experience it and now I have the choice to not to.
At the time of writing this, I'm planning to ctb tomorrow, even though my method is not great, its side effects would kill me soon enough, even if not on the same day, I'm willing to suffer just a bit more. If you can't tell, I genuinely do not care what happens anymore and that is a scary but beautiful feeling.
