Discussion a life devoted to death

[976mera]

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting here even though I've been lurking for years now lol. I've had this burning question for a while now - I want to know how alone I am on this. I am 19 years old, and I've wanted to die for over half of my life. I've attempted before, and I'm old enough now to realize that this is the only thing I want in life, so I've devoted myself to use my time and energy to try and save up money for my family before taking my own life.

I got accepted into pharmacy school recently - I chose this career path solely so I could constantly have access to almost any drugs I wanted whenever I believe I would be ready to end it. I have a will written out and I know what life insurance plan I will be taking out before I die. I have my method planned out to perfection; I want to drown. Often times though, I feel as if I'm already drowning.

Is anyone else living like this? I'm so curious. I feel beyond empty. I hardly feel human if I'm being honest.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. That's a very altruistic approach. To have wanted death so long but still to have tried your best at life to support your family.

I've had ideation since I was 10. So, 35 years now to varying intensities. It's probably been my second most sought for thing. The first was connected to my coping mechanism thus far- a creative career. I probably did a better job of distracting myself with that for a good deal of time but, it's been failing the past few years.

I agree that it's a peculiar settup to be working hard to sustain a life you desperately want to be rid of. I imagine you will find like minded people here. I hope that's of some sollace. Maybe some that are even more devoted to death actually. There are one or two promortalist members who possibly fixate on it even more than we do. It's certainly a very frustrating way to live though.

Are you waiting for a specific time to go- may I ask? I still hope to wait for my Dad to pass first before I will feel able to.

 

[dexdbxtchthewxtch]

Being in love with death while wanting to stick around long enough to set up your family is torturous. Hi, I am in a similar boat. Ideations have only been growing in intensity since I was 12 and I am 30 now. I have been obsessed with death, trying to channel that into a healthier outlet and become a funeral director (great money to leave behind for family while studying all manner of deaths + helping community + possiblity of cremation costing nothing to my family) but I think I just yearn for the urn. Every day it seems closer and closer.

SaSu is the worst and best club to be in, though. Lots of practical information, no pro life biases, just an awesome community for people trying to make an informed decision.

It's painful to see yet another clearly gifted mind so burdened. Your thought process seems so well thought out and you appear to have a good head on your shoulders.

May I ask why you chose drowning despite the potential to have access to hundreds of medications?

 

[976mera]

Welcome to the forum. That's a very altruistic approach. To have wanted death so long but still to have tried your best at life to support your family.

I've had ideation since I was 10. So, 35 years now to varying intensities. It's probably been my second most sought for thing. The first was connected to my coping mechanism thus far- a creative career. I probably did a better job of distracting myself with that for a good deal of time but, it's been failing the past few years.

I agree that it's a peculiar setup to be working hard to sustain a life you desperately want to be rid of. I imagine you will find like minded people here. I hope that's of some solace. Maybe some that are even more devoted to death actually. There are one or two promortalist members who possibly fixate on it even more than we do. It's certainly a very frustrating way to live though.

Are you waiting for a specific time to go- may I ask? I still hope to wait for my Dad to pass first before I will feel able to.

Thank you so much for such a kind responseI didn't expect to really hear from anyone so this really means a lot! And I'll be honest, I never really thought of my approach as altruistic. It made me really happy that you thought it was so. I've been thinking about it all day, and I can't help but wonder if I'm lying to myself in a way. That maybe, there's actually a part of me who wants to keep trying to live, but after so many years of using death as an excuse and an escape, I haven't fully processed how to change my entire outlook on life yet. I guess that perhaps since my life has come to a point where I'm not actively suffering every day anymore, the idea of pushing forward and using my time her for something good is bearable.

And about your question - I don't have a specific time I hope to go honestly. I want to see my two younger sisters get married and save up enough for my parents to live peacefully for a long time to come. But I believe I'll have a sort of feeling when the time is right, you know. I'm not as good as you to wait for my parents to go first though. I deeply respect you for that.

May I ask what kind of creative career you have had? I'm so curious. I think people like us - when we are able to surpass the grief - have immense, almost superior creative capabilities. I've always been into poetry, writing, literature, and singing. :)

Being in love with death while wanting to stick around long enough to set up your family is torturous. Hi, I am in a similar boat. Ideations have only been growing in intensity since I was 12 and I am 30 now. I have been obsessed with death, trying to channel that into a healthier outlet and become a funeral director (great money to leave behind for family while studying all manner of deaths + helping community + possibility of cremation costing nothing to my family) but I think I just yearn for the urn. Every day it seems closer and closer.

SaSu is the worst and best club to be in, though. Lots of practical information, no pro life biases, just an awesome community for people trying to make an informed decision.

It's painful to see yet another clearly gifted mind so burdened. Your thought process seems so well thought out and you appear to have a good head on your shoulders.

May I ask why you chose drowning despite the potential to have access to hundreds of medications?

Hi! Thank you so much for replying, you seem like an insanely cool person. By the way, the work you do is just priceless. You have my utmost respect.

I totally agree that this site is the best/worst. It really is nice to be free of all the pro-life biases and just openly discuss here. It makes me feel seen, and I've learned lots of really helpful information here too.

Anyway, it seems like we actually have a lot in common. The fact that you hope to save your family even the cost of cremation broke my heart a little. You seem really level headed and thoughtful honestly, I can't help but grieve for you.

And about your question - I choose drowning for the aesthetics honestly. I want to go in a way that will burn. I want it to be grand. Many people who want to drown say things like this. I don't know why, but I've always felt drawn to the ocean. Beyond that, I think it's fitting for me since it is what I've always wanted. I hope to overdose and maybe have a drink before heading to the ocean to make it easier haha.

Can I ask what brought you here in the first place?

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you so much for such a kind responseI didn't expect to really hear from anyone so this really means a lot! And I'll be honest, I never really thought of my approach as altruistic. It made me really happy that you thought it was so. I've been thinking about it all day, and I can't help but wonder if I'm lying to myself in a way. That maybe, there's actually a part of me who wants to keep trying to live, but after so many years of using death as an excuse and an escape, I haven't fully processed how to change my entire outlook on life yet. I guess that perhaps since my life has come to a point where I'm not actively suffering every day anymore, the idea of pushing forward and using my time her for something good is bearable.

And about your question - I don't have a specific time I hope to go honestly. I want to see my two younger sisters get married and save up enough for my parents to live peacefully for a long time to come. But I believe I'll have a sort of feeling when the time is right, you know. I'm not as good as you to wait for my parents to go first though. I deeply respect you for that.

May I ask what kind of creative career you have had? I'm so curious. I think people like us - when we are able to surpass the grief - have immense, almost superior creative capabilities. I've always been into poetry, writing, literature, and singing. :)

Hi! Thank you so much for replying, you seem like an insanely cool person. By the way, the work you do is just priceless. You have my utmost respect.

I totally agree that this site is the best/worst. It really is nice to be free of all the pro-life biases and just openly discuss here. It makes me feel seen, and I've learned lots of really helpful information here too.

Anyway, it seems like we actually have a lot in common. The fact that you hope to save your family even the cost of cremation broke my heart a little. You seem really level headed and thoughtful honestly, I can't help but grieve for you.

And about your question - I choose drowning for the aesthetics honestly. I want to go in a way that will burn. I want it to be grand. Many people who want to drown say things like this. I don't know why, but I've always felt drawn to the ocean. Beyond that, I think it's fitting for me since it is what I've always wanted. I hope to overdose and maybe have a drink before heading to the ocean to make it easier haha.

Can I ask what brought you here in the first place?

I'd say it was extremely altruistic to want to help your parents out financially. Life's tough just supporting ourselves I feel.

Yes, I can relate to hoping the time will feel right one day. I suppose it's hard for any of us to truly know we'll CTB till that time comes. I have a feeling it will be fear eventually that might hold me back rather than hope but, life's very hard to predict.

I'm more along the lines of the visual arts. You sound very creative. I love lots of art forms but I'm not good at a whole spectrum like that.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Want to start off by saying you're definitely a good soul. Wanting to look out for others despite being in that state of mind for so long shows a selfless individual and I genuinely have to commend you for that. Especially in today's selfish world.

That being said, been suicidal since I was 11. Have had several attempts from that age forward, but no go so far. I can say O used to think a lot like you when I was your age. Just wanted to help others and especially loved ones. But the years have stripped me of most of that compassion. Not completely, but I think about it far less nowadays.

I won't tell you to move forward with your plan or not. Not my place to. But I will say give yourself both time to contemplate on living or dying and getting things fully and properly in order. Whether you go early or not, always an excellent idea to get these sorts of things sorted out as early as possible. But whatever your decision is, you definitely have support here. You take care of you in the meantime.

 

[976mera]

Want to start off by saying you're definitely a good soul. Wanting to look out for others despite being in that state of mind for so long shows a selfless individual and I genuinely have to commend you for that. Especially in today's selfish world.

That being said, been suicidal since I was 11. Have had several attempts from that age forward, but no go so far. I can say O used to think a lot like you when I was your age. Just wanted to help others and especially loved ones. But the years have stripped me of most of that compassion. Not completely, but I think about it far less nowadays.

I won't tell you to move forward with your plan or not. Not my place to. But I will say give yourself both time to contemplate on living or dying and getting things fully and properly in order. Whether you go early or not, always an excellent idea to get these sorts of things sorted out as early as possible. But whatever your decision is, you definitely have support here. You take care of you in the meantime.

thank you so much for your heartfelt words. it can be really easy to feel so alone when it comes to feeling this way. but the way you showed me nothing but kindness and respect tells me you're definitely a good soul too - no matter what you say about yourself. its sad to see that someone who thinks so selflessly has been suffering for so long. i hope you find your bliss, however that may be.