HereIGoAgain24
Member
- Sep 2, 2024
- 67
I'm at this point where I don't know when or if I'm actually going to commit suicide- the thoughts have come and gone for years now, although with increasing frequency lately- but I have been dragging myself around, barely alive. I recently quit my job and started to live off my savings. Regardless, my intention has been to post my note to my social media as the last thing I do. Leaving a physical note risks nobody ever seeing it- I'm far away from my friends and family in a non-English speaking country; even if I included a contact number at the end, it would almost certainly be thrown away by the staff of whatever hotel I'm staying in. With that said, I want to leave my rough draft for my note here- just helpful to get it off my chest.
Fair warning, my reasons for suicide are going to be very different from the vast majority of people's- they stem from my understanding and attitude towards the state of the world. Considering how almost everyone has different beliefs on what the problems and causes are, this may encroach on some sociopolitical issues you disagree with; I've attempted to keep the rhetoric as minimally divisive as possible.
Here goes:
I have tried. For 28 years, I have tried. And I can't keep going anymore.
I've always had anxiety about the world- even as a kid, while the people around me were worried about who was going to win whatever sports game was on or whether their parents were going to make vegetable casserole for dinner, I was constantly terrified of whatever catastrophe was predicted. Didn't matter how remote or ridiculous it was. Remember when that loony preacher said the world was definitely going to end in a rapture on May 21, 2011? Or when scattered groups all said, with varying degrees of seriousness, that we were all gonna die in 2012? Yeah, in hindsight it was ridiculous, and I knew it on an intellectual level- but my mind's always been predisposed to be absolutely, positively, buttfucking terrified of our collective doom.
And guess what? We're there now.
Oh yeah- easy to look at what I literally just said and think 'what the hell makes it different now? People are always predicting the end of the world, and it never happens'. But the shit we're seeing now is not the scattered murmurs of a few apocalyptic cults- it's everywhere you god damn look, from every god damn source.
The rise of mad totalitarians. AI. Global wars. And then there's climate change, which is somehow both the most damningly apocalyptic threat we're facing right now, and the one that humanity gives the least amount of shits about. Believe me, I WISH I could be indifferent to it- but the more I read, the more absolutely terrifying it becomes, and if it IS a hoax... then what the fuck is going on?! What is causing all of this?!
Each of these problems, taken by themselves, would be a huge challenge to solve. And fuck, good people have tried! We've had ideas about how to solve them, we've had summits, occasionally we've even passed a law or two. But all of these keep getting steamrolled by insane, greedy bastards who only care about money and power, who keep consolidating what they have while pursuing an endless, bloodthirsty quest for MORE, and fuck literally everything else. This goes beyond any political party, any nation, any ideology, any individual ruler or businessman, and strikes to the human spirit across the globe.
In the meantime, the fundamental attitudes that could fight back against this insanity have collapsed- instead of acknowledging the stakes in front of us and working together to overcome them, we've become more insular and narcissistic than ever. We keep descending into tribal identities, taking only the facts that suit them and disregarding everything else. When we AREN'T descending into that, we keep chasing the short-term highs of money and fame, keep making every short-sighted decision possible that edges us further into the sheer dystopian abyss. Christ, with the sky-high inequalities, addiction to technology for everyday functions, 'gig' economy destroying any sense of economic stability, environmental collapse, and general lack of care for society at large, we basically ARE living in a dystopian science fiction novel. Making matters worse, all of these beliefs that I have- the ones that are completely axiomatic to me, the ones that I use to make any sense of the world- are completely disregarded by damn near everyone else! Everybody agrees that shit is fucked, but has completely different beliefs on WHY shit's fucked, destroying any hope of actually improving things! Am I insane? Are they insane? Are we all mad?
Whenever I bring this up, inevitably I hear that 'oh, don't worry- things are better than they have been through nearly all of human history'. And yeah, that might be true- but that just shows me how much lower the bar can go for humanity. It's like telling a person who's worried about his cancer that, hey, he could be bleeding out in a medieval torture chamber, so why bother crying? Worse than that, the basic factors that have ALLOWED things to get better are falling apart around us. For the sake of my own sanity, I can't bring myself to list them all, but... Jesus, they've been getting systematically demolished for DECADES now. My entire life has simply been watching the world around me lose its humanity, unable to do a damn thing about it.
We've started our fall into the abyss, and we have no idea how deep it goes. If there's a cushion at the end, something to make things better... I can't see it for the life of me. Either way, I will not be around to see the bottom of it.
To my friends and family back home: I am truly sorry. You were the absolute bright spots of my life, the people who made life worth living for 28 years.
And to the insane tyrants and billionaires who got us into this mess: from the absolute bottom of my heart, fuck you. I hope you suffer in this scorched earth you've created.
...Now if only there was a way to attach this to my heartbeat. The moment it stops, the moment this post goes on my socials. A final farewell to a rotten world.
Fair warning, my reasons for suicide are going to be very different from the vast majority of people's- they stem from my understanding and attitude towards the state of the world. Considering how almost everyone has different beliefs on what the problems and causes are, this may encroach on some sociopolitical issues you disagree with; I've attempted to keep the rhetoric as minimally divisive as possible.
Here goes:
I have tried. For 28 years, I have tried. And I can't keep going anymore.
I've always had anxiety about the world- even as a kid, while the people around me were worried about who was going to win whatever sports game was on or whether their parents were going to make vegetable casserole for dinner, I was constantly terrified of whatever catastrophe was predicted. Didn't matter how remote or ridiculous it was. Remember when that loony preacher said the world was definitely going to end in a rapture on May 21, 2011? Or when scattered groups all said, with varying degrees of seriousness, that we were all gonna die in 2012? Yeah, in hindsight it was ridiculous, and I knew it on an intellectual level- but my mind's always been predisposed to be absolutely, positively, buttfucking terrified of our collective doom.
And guess what? We're there now.
Oh yeah- easy to look at what I literally just said and think 'what the hell makes it different now? People are always predicting the end of the world, and it never happens'. But the shit we're seeing now is not the scattered murmurs of a few apocalyptic cults- it's everywhere you god damn look, from every god damn source.
The rise of mad totalitarians. AI. Global wars. And then there's climate change, which is somehow both the most damningly apocalyptic threat we're facing right now, and the one that humanity gives the least amount of shits about. Believe me, I WISH I could be indifferent to it- but the more I read, the more absolutely terrifying it becomes, and if it IS a hoax... then what the fuck is going on?! What is causing all of this?!
Each of these problems, taken by themselves, would be a huge challenge to solve. And fuck, good people have tried! We've had ideas about how to solve them, we've had summits, occasionally we've even passed a law or two. But all of these keep getting steamrolled by insane, greedy bastards who only care about money and power, who keep consolidating what they have while pursuing an endless, bloodthirsty quest for MORE, and fuck literally everything else. This goes beyond any political party, any nation, any ideology, any individual ruler or businessman, and strikes to the human spirit across the globe.
In the meantime, the fundamental attitudes that could fight back against this insanity have collapsed- instead of acknowledging the stakes in front of us and working together to overcome them, we've become more insular and narcissistic than ever. We keep descending into tribal identities, taking only the facts that suit them and disregarding everything else. When we AREN'T descending into that, we keep chasing the short-term highs of money and fame, keep making every short-sighted decision possible that edges us further into the sheer dystopian abyss. Christ, with the sky-high inequalities, addiction to technology for everyday functions, 'gig' economy destroying any sense of economic stability, environmental collapse, and general lack of care for society at large, we basically ARE living in a dystopian science fiction novel. Making matters worse, all of these beliefs that I have- the ones that are completely axiomatic to me, the ones that I use to make any sense of the world- are completely disregarded by damn near everyone else! Everybody agrees that shit is fucked, but has completely different beliefs on WHY shit's fucked, destroying any hope of actually improving things! Am I insane? Are they insane? Are we all mad?
Whenever I bring this up, inevitably I hear that 'oh, don't worry- things are better than they have been through nearly all of human history'. And yeah, that might be true- but that just shows me how much lower the bar can go for humanity. It's like telling a person who's worried about his cancer that, hey, he could be bleeding out in a medieval torture chamber, so why bother crying? Worse than that, the basic factors that have ALLOWED things to get better are falling apart around us. For the sake of my own sanity, I can't bring myself to list them all, but... Jesus, they've been getting systematically demolished for DECADES now. My entire life has simply been watching the world around me lose its humanity, unable to do a damn thing about it.
We've started our fall into the abyss, and we have no idea how deep it goes. If there's a cushion at the end, something to make things better... I can't see it for the life of me. Either way, I will not be around to see the bottom of it.
To my friends and family back home: I am truly sorry. You were the absolute bright spots of my life, the people who made life worth living for 28 years.
And to the insane tyrants and billionaires who got us into this mess: from the absolute bottom of my heart, fuck you. I hope you suffer in this scorched earth you've created.
...Now if only there was a way to attach this to my heartbeat. The moment it stops, the moment this post goes on my socials. A final farewell to a rotten world.
