Daydream Believer
Member
- May 3, 2024
- 37
I have been living a nightmare for the last seven months. CTB has always been on my mind during this time spent in hell. I visit this site daily. I have withdrawn from the world. I walk alone with only my shadow besides me.
However, last year I was happy and fulfilled. I had little money and lived like Robinson Crusoe on a tropical island. I hadn't met my Girl Friday but wasn't really looking. I just lived as a happy-go-lucky man in paradise. Everything changed in January when someone I trusted with my heart and soul gave me a Judas kiss and destroyed me. Death was the promised land. I needed a ticket to CTB.
Today 3 August
A magical day Two hours ago there was glorious sunshine and now heavy rain. This is life. Everything changes. I accept both the sunshine and the rain as I continue following the middle path to the centre of my mind.
I wrote this earlier.
"""""
Second Coming
This morning, I awoke with a gentle smile on my face, which made a f*cking change. Normally, I would open my eyes and curse, "Shit, I didn't die in my sleep after all, so I must endure yet another day in this never-ending nightmare."
But this morning I felt all warm and tingly, as if the sun had just popped its joyful head from behind the dark, gloomy clouds. For the first time in months, the real me dared to show his face. A magical, intoxicating energy clung tightly to my whole being. I marvelled at the magnificence of life as pure love and wondrous dreams danced in my heart after spending what seemed like an eternity in hopeless despair.
It was a beautifully strange sensation, a moment frozen in time, when I suddenly realised that I hadn't died after all. I'd suffered for almost seven long months in the dark shadows existing as a member of the living dead. Fate had murdered my self-worth, crushed my dreams, obliterated my strength, and destroyed my gentle love. I was certain that there was no escape, and my cruel destiny was to eternally exist as a lonely, lost, mindless zombie. But I was wrong.
Emerging from the right side of my bed for the first time in eons, I ventured into the local village, eager to watch the world go by. I witnessed a noisy chaos of motorcycles, tuk-tuks, cars, and frantic shoppers buying processed junk food from the Seven Eleven minimart.
I knew instantly that I didn't belong in that mad world. My dreamy, sky-blue eyes sparkled with timeless wisdom. They were no longer closed, no longer dead to the truth; they were now fully alive to the beautiful meaning of life. Hip-hip-hooray, over ten years of deep meditation hadn't gone to waste, thanks not to muscle memory but to soulful memory.
As the sun rose, its gentle rays caressed my flesh as I sat blissfully at peace in that tranquil space between my thoughts. There was no suffering, no cravings, and no fear in this perfect place which was my realm. A soft smile covered my all-knowing face, because I fully understood that I'd been lost for a long, long time.
I inhaled deeply and softly whispered to Mother Universe, "Open your heart; I'm coming home."
to be continued........
Thoughts of a madman.
I will still be ordering some SN because Tomorrow Never Knows.
Love from another broken soul who wants to shine like a crazy diamond and heal and feel in somewhere I belong.
Yet, the following day I will undoubtedly yearn to end it all and flee this unbearable existence.
I have everything crossed that tomorrow will be another good day because for seven long months then have all been bad days.
Sending love n light to you all
However, last year I was happy and fulfilled. I had little money and lived like Robinson Crusoe on a tropical island. I hadn't met my Girl Friday but wasn't really looking. I just lived as a happy-go-lucky man in paradise. Everything changed in January when someone I trusted with my heart and soul gave me a Judas kiss and destroyed me. Death was the promised land. I needed a ticket to CTB.
Today 3 August
A magical day Two hours ago there was glorious sunshine and now heavy rain. This is life. Everything changes. I accept both the sunshine and the rain as I continue following the middle path to the centre of my mind.
I wrote this earlier.
"""""
Second Coming
This morning, I awoke with a gentle smile on my face, which made a f*cking change. Normally, I would open my eyes and curse, "Shit, I didn't die in my sleep after all, so I must endure yet another day in this never-ending nightmare."
But this morning I felt all warm and tingly, as if the sun had just popped its joyful head from behind the dark, gloomy clouds. For the first time in months, the real me dared to show his face. A magical, intoxicating energy clung tightly to my whole being. I marvelled at the magnificence of life as pure love and wondrous dreams danced in my heart after spending what seemed like an eternity in hopeless despair.
It was a beautifully strange sensation, a moment frozen in time, when I suddenly realised that I hadn't died after all. I'd suffered for almost seven long months in the dark shadows existing as a member of the living dead. Fate had murdered my self-worth, crushed my dreams, obliterated my strength, and destroyed my gentle love. I was certain that there was no escape, and my cruel destiny was to eternally exist as a lonely, lost, mindless zombie. But I was wrong.
Emerging from the right side of my bed for the first time in eons, I ventured into the local village, eager to watch the world go by. I witnessed a noisy chaos of motorcycles, tuk-tuks, cars, and frantic shoppers buying processed junk food from the Seven Eleven minimart.
I knew instantly that I didn't belong in that mad world. My dreamy, sky-blue eyes sparkled with timeless wisdom. They were no longer closed, no longer dead to the truth; they were now fully alive to the beautiful meaning of life. Hip-hip-hooray, over ten years of deep meditation hadn't gone to waste, thanks not to muscle memory but to soulful memory.
As the sun rose, its gentle rays caressed my flesh as I sat blissfully at peace in that tranquil space between my thoughts. There was no suffering, no cravings, and no fear in this perfect place which was my realm. A soft smile covered my all-knowing face, because I fully understood that I'd been lost for a long, long time.
I inhaled deeply and softly whispered to Mother Universe, "Open your heart; I'm coming home."
to be continued........
Thoughts of a madman.
I will still be ordering some SN because Tomorrow Never Knows.
Love from another broken soul who wants to shine like a crazy diamond and heal and feel in somewhere I belong.
Yet, the following day I will undoubtedly yearn to end it all and flee this unbearable existence.
I have everything crossed that tomorrow will be another good day because for seven long months then have all been bad days.
Sending love n light to you all
