Venting A girl on a verge of suicide

[CandyK__]

I'll start by saying i was always quite lonely. Every friend I ever had has left me as soon as we stopped going to same school, or work at same time. People rarely talk to me, and if they do they want a favor from me.

All of this got better at beginning of 2022, when was over half a year clean from drugs, a sort of friend group formed. After a month it divided to two parts, me included in one of them. We were 3 in total, and one the two i was in a group with had more friend to whom I was introduced.

It all was going well, I felt normal, people were talking to me, and I was talking to people. Later one of the mentioned two other friends asked me not to be around them anymore, not talk to them, or anything. Now it's been two months we and we did not say a word to each other since, even though we work at the same time. When I asked for reason they said I was too frequent in their life.

Other than that I suspect that They might have shit talked me to all people I knew by their proxy, since none of them talks to me, nor responds to my messages. Loneliness pushed me to drugs, and now I'm on the verge of CTB, hard drugs relapse, or harming others.

Whenever there is some big happening, people don't even tell me, like everybody hates me. Even with people whom I've known for very long time, yet they invite people who they just got to know, and who if invited will mention that they are going there, and say they can't really bring me there, and then they take their friends, not me. Even tough we were closer friends. I wish this was an episode, but i went from talking to friends on daily basis, to them ignoring me, even when I'm in person standing next to them.

What the Fuck is going on? I try to be friendly, give gifts on any occasion, help everyone I see. And everyone prefers to ignore me, and talk to people who I know for a fact don't give a shit about a relationship if they're not directly profiting from it. I hoped world was good, and if you gave you would receive back from world, fucking good karma on anything.

I try to be nice to everyone, but still I'm a fucking pushover. I'm on a verge of violent breakdown, question is if I'll contain violence towards me, or will it break out to others.

Last time I was ignored all day, I went to bathroom, and hit wall until my hand started bleeding. Wrapped it in some tissues, and still nobody gave a fuck about me. I wish something horrible happened to me, paralysis, blindness, deafness. So that anybody gave a fuck about someone on a verge of suicide.



I was born a man, the most disgusting possible creature. Inherently inferior. Man treat me like a weirdo, Woman think I'm just another man. All I wish for is a basic human decency. If I talk to someone they respond, if i show intention of becoming a friend with someone, they at least say they apricated it, but... Yet all I get is them looking at me, and walking away.

I want to kill men, maybe me for a start. I'm not a man, I knew this for 5 years now, I can't afford surgeries, I try to look feminine, but to work I need to look "decent" which is a disgusting man attire. I wish i was born a woman or not at all. Every breath hurts, every day kills, every day I see happy people I just want to be done.

Everyone seems to hate a girl like me, even trans men, who should be able to relate, chose not to. Everyone prefer cis Woman, or nonbinary AFAB.

Does telling them it hurts, and that I AM a Woman, and that I'm feeling horrible can help it? Or will I just come off whiney, and as a burden?

How do you earn Basic Human Decency as a trans woman?

 

[Pidgeons_Sparrows]

Please dont hurt others ):

Sorry you are feeling this way. Im a social outcast too lol. Was always either invisible or harassed, i know how it feels

 

[EmmaD]

I'll start by saying i was always quite lonely. Every friend I ever had has left me as soon as we stopped going to same school, or work at same time. People rarely talk to me, and if they do they want a favor from me.

All of this got better at beginning of 2022, when was over half a year clean from drugs, a sort of friend group formed. After a month it divided to two parts, me included in one of them. We were 3 in total, and one the two i was in a group with had more friend to whom I was introduced.

It all was going well, I felt normal, people were talking to me, and I was talking to people. Later one of the mentioned two other friends asked me not to be around them anymore, not talk to them, or anything. Now it's been two months we and we did not say a word to each other since, even though we work at the same time. When I asked for reason they said I was too frequent in their life.

Other than that I suspect that They might have shit talked me to all people I knew by their proxy, since none of them talks to me, nor responds to my messages. Loneliness pushed me to drugs, and now I'm on the verge of CTB, hard drugs relapse, or harming others.

Whenever there is some big happening, people don't even tell me, like everybody hates me. Even with people whom I've known for very long time, yet they invite people who they just got to know, and who if invited will mention that they are going there, and say they can't really bring me there, and then they take their friends, not me. Even tough we were closer friends. I wish this was an episode, but i went from talking to friends on daily basis, to them ignoring me, even when I'm in person standing next to them.

What the Fuck is going on? I try to be friendly, give gifts on any occasion, help everyone I see. And everyone prefers to ignore me, and talk to people who I know for a fact don't give a shit about a relationship if they're not directly profiting from it. I hoped world was good, and if you gave you would receive back from world, fucking good karma on anything.

I try to be nice to everyone, but still I'm a fucking pushover. I'm on a verge of violent breakdown, question is if I'll contain violence towards me, or will it break out to others.

Last time I was ignored all day, I went to bathroom, and hit wall until my hand started bleeding. Wrapped it in some tissues, and still nobody gave a fuck about me. I wish something horrible happened to me, paralysis, blindness, deafness. So that anybody gave a fuck about someone on a verge of suicide.



I was born a man, the most disgusting possible creature. Inherently inferior. Man treat me like a weirdo, Woman think I'm just another man. All I wish for is a basic human decency. If I talk to someone they respond, if i show intention of becoming a friend with someone, they at least say they apricated it, but... Yet all I get is them looking at me, and walking away.

I want to kill men, maybe me for a start. I'm not a man, I knew this for 5 years now, I can't afford surgeries, I try to look feminine, but to work I need to look "decent" which is a disgusting man attire. I wish i was born a woman or not at all. Every breath hurts, every day kills, every day I see happy people I just want to be done.

Everyone seems to hate a girl like me, even trans men, who should be able to relate, chose not to. Everyone prefer cis Woman, or nonbinary AFAB.

Does telling them it hurts, and that I AM a Woman, and that I'm feeling horrible can help it? Or will I just come off whiney, and as a burden?

How do you earn Basic Human Decency as a trans woman?

This post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way by people who don't even deserve to be termed 'human'.
I wish you had kind people in your life living and caring for you because that's what you deserve.. but unfortunately people in this world are too often disappointing and cruel.
I'm hoping you being able to vent your honest feelings on here how you have done brings even a tiny bit of relief? Also I hope you get the 'basic human decency' you need, on SS and I'm sure you will, as understanding and empathy is something SS is very good at.

 

[WaitingToGo]

So sorry you are hurting like this. The world is a horrible place full of thoughtless cruel people.

 

[fuzzy-clown]

I was born a man, the most disgusting possible creature. Inherently inferior.

I want to kill men, maybe me for a start.

How do you earn Basic Human Decency as a trans woman?

Maybe by first not thinking so lowly of men that you want to kill them.

 

[CandyK__]

This post breaks my heart. I'm so sorry you've been treated this way by people who don't even deserve to be termed 'human'.
I wish you had kind people in your life living and caring for you because that's what you deserve.. but unfortunately people in this world are too often disappointing and cruel.
I'm hoping you being able to vent your honest feelings on here how you have done brings even a tiny bit of relief? Also I hope you get the 'basic human decency' you need, on SS and I'm sure you will, as understanding and empathy is something SS is very good at.

Thank you, It's better to write it down, than to hold inside. Good things happen when you least expect them, I'll push trhough till it gets brighter.

Sorry you are feeling this way. Im a social outcast too lol. Was always either invisible or harassed, i know how it feels

Thanks. Nice to know we're not alone.

So sorry you are hurting like this. The world is a horrible place full of thoughtless cruel people.

Thanks for understanding, at least there is SS, one ray of sunshine.

Maybe by first not thinking so lowly of men that you want to kill them.

This is just my internalized Misandry. I hate that I've been put in this body, and put all my hatred on a faceless group of Male gender. There's nothing wrong with men as a larger group, I just associated all of my pain with it, and thus some of my thoughts are violent. Putting all my hate on a group rather than myself. Now that I'm writing it i'm coming to conclusion that the hate was just a form of escapism from understanding that to be my true self I need to change, and transition is my journey, and no one is at fault for what i was born as. Thanks.

 

[Jezzibell]

Its difficult to imagine how hard every day must be for you. People are just downright nasty and cruel. I much prefer animals. You did right by putting it all down to find solutions. But remember that other people need to change too. It's not all on you x