Venting a friendship that wasn't meant to last

[trouble]

The past few months have been nothing but stressful for me. I've struggled with numbness, random bursts of "I need to harm myself NOW", even more depression, trust issues, suicidality, but what's been bothering me the most: disliking people I am close with, most of the time for no valid reason.

It's affected my friendship with my best friend, the only person I could really talk to, greatly. For example, my mind started picking things apart of her that I didn't like (not physical). I got so overwhelmed whenever she did something to herself so recently, I started to back off whenever that happened. But the "I took pics of my cuts and they're so aesthetic" messages still triggered me so bad. We've been over this a million times but never has it made me THIS frustrated. I felt like such a bad friend then because I couldn't help. It made me angry.
I had outbursts, I snapped at her. I just wasn't a good friend anymore - I didn't feel like I was.

I've also gained jealousy. Like, a lot of it. I'm unsure whether I like her more than a friend and felt jealous because of that or if there are other causes.

I want to CTB but I know I can't when there are people holding me back. When there are people I like and like spending time with. People I miss when they're not here. I have decided that this will only make things harder for me and my friends.

So today I ended it. It was a big step for me, pushing the person away my mood was dependent on the most. She didn't react badly. I think I've always overestimated the place I had in her life, but that's okay.

Right now, I'm at the brink of CTB again, trying to come up with a good method. I feel bad but also relieved, kind of.

 

[_Minsk]

The past few months have been nothing but stressful for me. I've struggled with numbness, random bursts of "I need to harm myself NOW", even more depression, trust issues, suicidality, but what's been bothering me the most: disliking people I am close with, most of the time for no valid reason.

It's affected my friendship with my best friend, the only person I could really talk to, greatly. For example, my mind started picking things apart of her that I didn't like (not physical). I got so overwhelmed whenever she did something to herself so recently, I started to back off whenever that happened. But the "I took pics of my cuts and they're so aesthetic" messages still triggered me so bad. We've been over this a million times but never has it made me THIS frustrated. I felt like such a bad friend then because I couldn't help. It made me angry.
I had outbursts, I snapped at her. I just wasn't a good friend anymore - I didn't feel like I was.

I've also gained jealousy. Like, a lot of it. I'm unsure whether I like her more than a friend and felt jealous because of that or if there are other causes.

I want to CTB but I know I can't when there are people holding me back. When there are people I like and like spending time with. People I miss when they're not here. I have decided that this will only make things harder for me and my friends.

So today I ended it. It was a big step for me, pushing the person away my mood was dependent on the most. She didn't react badly. I think I've always overestimated the place I had in her life, but that's okay.

Right now, I'm at the brink of CTB again, trying to come up with a good method. I feel bad but also relieved, kind of.

im dealing with this also quite often, i get into this horrible mood, where everything just triggers me.. i get so low that i also cant help it.. i think its a normal reaction to a horrible life.. i also hurt friends with my mood, i cant help it, i think we all tend to make others feel the way we feel inside with our actions.. at the end its not our fault, i believe most people react to things completely different when being in a good mood, while those who feel horrible treat others horrible at some point, even without wanting so..
i remember a time where i was in a similar situation, my best friend at that time triggered me somehow, life was unbearable and i treated him badly,.. we're still friends and he also suffers from depression, i think thats why he was still there for me, since he knows how all that stuff can affect us:/

also cancelled nearly all friendships, i just cant handle it anymore, cant be around them without breaking inside due to all the pain and misery.. i wish i could be emotionally on their levels but ive tried it all my life long without success.. at the end most relationships would have died anyways, seems like ctb is the only way out of it for me...
sending you hugs

 

[trouble]

im dealing with this also quite often, i get into this horrible mood, where everything just triggers me.. i get so low that i also cant help it.. i think its a normal reaction to a horrible life.. i also hurt friends with my mood, i cant help it, i think we all tend to make others feel the way we feel inside with our actions.. at the end its not our fault, i believe most people react to things completely different when being in a good mood, while those who feel horrible treat others horrible at some point, even without wanting so..
i remember a time where i was in a similar situation, my best friend at that time triggered me somehow, life was unbearable and i treated him badly,.. we're still friends and he also suffers from depression, i think thats why he was still there for me, since he knows how all that stuff can affect us:/

also cancelled nearly all friendships, i just cant handle it anymore, cant be around them without breaking inside due to all the pain and misery.. i wish i could be emotionally on their levels but ive tried it all my life long without success.. at the end most relationships would have died anyways, seems like ctb is the only way out of it for me...
sending you hugs

Thank you, I agree with your words. I think we tend to mirror our suffering onto others - often without even wanting to do so. I've realized a while ago that people come and go, and letting go of someone is alright - at least that's what I tell myself.

Relationships and friendships can't always be all rainbows and happiness. Emotional pain will happen at some point. If it's worth it, is completely up to us.

I'm sending you hugs as well :) I hope you'll find your peace, no matter which way you decide to go.

 

[FriendofDeath]

• You learn a lot about who friends are when you experience a crisis. I lost my son. During the first few months, I had some support. Mentally I was a real mess, and for the most part I was self-isolating. But I lost most people I thought were friends. Maybe they just didn't know how to deal with me and my new status. Of course, I'm not the same person anymore, and I'd rather have a few close friends than a jumble that appear and disappear on a whim. It sounds like a lot of people have been doing that - trying to remove the toxic relationships in our lives. Or are we pushing everyone away so we can tell ourselves they won't care if we transition. Some of both, perhaps. Sending you both light and love!