Spaintbrain
Nothing left.
- Jan 23, 2023
- 6
I don't know what to say.
A few days ago, a friend of mine I met through a discord server blocked me and a bunch of other people, they had just turned 18 and as a birthday gift from their parents, they were kicked out. He's seriously depressed, and possibly on the verge of suicide.
I don't feel anything towards them. I don't feel bad, I don't feel happy for them, I feel literally nothing.
I've dug with my psychologist and we found that this unfeeling seems to originate from a serious bout of PTSD. Possibly from a false accusation of rape from a girl younger than me in my teen years who got me kicked out of my high school, and ruined my life among people I once considered my friends.
Since then, I have found that I have less of a willingness to help other people, and even less of a willingness to open up or understand other people's point of view. I am more prone to narcissism and more mentally unstable since I seem to have a trigger where whenever someone slightly younger (looking to be about 15-16, which is coincidentally when that incident with that girl happened) is in my vicinity, I immediately have a mental breakdown that can either manifest as a slow, spiraling descent into thoughts of self hatred, suicide, or a complete loss of sanity where I prioritize myself over others and feel a grandiose sense of self, meanwhile viewing other people as "subhuman" "worse than dirt" or "not deserving of my kindness".
There is also no room for people to make mistakes in my life. I am quick to drop people and cut them off as soon as things don't go my way, but this is even if the person makes the first move to be an acquaintance in the first place since I don't go out of my way to interact with other people anymore. I don't have any urge to hurt others, I just have no desire to connect with other people, and believe that people aren't worth my time.
As for romance, I believe since that girl was someone I loved who lied about reciprocating my feelings, she has most likely completely destroyed my perception of love and affection. I am always second guessing the love that people show for me, there will never be an adequate amount of convincing that a girl does have feelings for me.
And now I am physically unable to feel anything for the person I am most likely now about to lose. I don't even wish I could feel something for this guy. Its like this girl and my so-called "friends" have completely killed off the part of me that loves.
A few days ago, a friend of mine I met through a discord server blocked me and a bunch of other people, they had just turned 18 and as a birthday gift from their parents, they were kicked out. He's seriously depressed, and possibly on the verge of suicide.
I don't feel anything towards them. I don't feel bad, I don't feel happy for them, I feel literally nothing.
I've dug with my psychologist and we found that this unfeeling seems to originate from a serious bout of PTSD. Possibly from a false accusation of rape from a girl younger than me in my teen years who got me kicked out of my high school, and ruined my life among people I once considered my friends.
Since then, I have found that I have less of a willingness to help other people, and even less of a willingness to open up or understand other people's point of view. I am more prone to narcissism and more mentally unstable since I seem to have a trigger where whenever someone slightly younger (looking to be about 15-16, which is coincidentally when that incident with that girl happened) is in my vicinity, I immediately have a mental breakdown that can either manifest as a slow, spiraling descent into thoughts of self hatred, suicide, or a complete loss of sanity where I prioritize myself over others and feel a grandiose sense of self, meanwhile viewing other people as "subhuman" "worse than dirt" or "not deserving of my kindness".
There is also no room for people to make mistakes in my life. I am quick to drop people and cut them off as soon as things don't go my way, but this is even if the person makes the first move to be an acquaintance in the first place since I don't go out of my way to interact with other people anymore. I don't have any urge to hurt others, I just have no desire to connect with other people, and believe that people aren't worth my time.
As for romance, I believe since that girl was someone I loved who lied about reciprocating my feelings, she has most likely completely destroyed my perception of love and affection. I am always second guessing the love that people show for me, there will never be an adequate amount of convincing that a girl does have feelings for me.
And now I am physically unable to feel anything for the person I am most likely now about to lose. I don't even wish I could feel something for this guy. Its like this girl and my so-called "friends" have completely killed off the part of me that loves.
