Frankiesaysbye
Nothing matters anymore.
- Aug 30, 2023
- 10
Today is the day, the day that I finally let go and ctb. I would like to leave a little trace of myself on here, as a means of staying here in spirit so no one gets sad.
I like to think that strangers are a friend of mine, thus all of you are my friends. Each and every person is unique, filled with unique features and sets that wire them to be who they are. And who you are, you are incredible. You're incredible, don't forget that.
I'm a person that loves anyone regardless of what they're going through. Whether you're good, or struggling, I will love you. In times where you feel like all hope is lost, you're plunging in the darkness, look up into the sky and know that I am there. I am there, loving you and giving you so much love and affection. I'll be watching over you all, protecting you all.
Unfortunately, my brain is mightier than my heart, I have no love for myself. I see myself in its raw form, and it's nasty. I'm an addict, ever since I was raped in 2023, I grew a crippling addiction to drugs and drinking. I got scammed of 1.2K because I wanted Xanax to end my pain. End the constant flashbacks of what happened that night, I can still feel his hands at the back of my head and on my jaw. Drugs became my love, but I stopped functioning. My biggest fear is disappointment, my family doesn't deserve to go through that anger and disappointment of me being an addict. They've gone through enough with me, and the guilt I feel on my chest is so heavy, it's overwhelming.
To my dad, I am so entirely grateful that you were my father. There were times where our relationship was extremely difficult, I was going through a lot in my teenage years. I was alienated, tormented, I was made to feel as though I never belonged anywhere. I was so harsh to you dad, and you didn't deserve that at all. I wish we could've grown closer together, like we were when I was a kid. I'm so sorry for any hardship I put you through, you're an amazing dad with a drive to push those who need it and they succeed. I'm so sorry for keeping my rape story a secret from you, you deserved to know what happened that night, I just felt that things would've escalated to an extremely bad degree, I didn't want that. You're an amazing dad, and an even more amazing gardener, thank you for the pretty flowers you planted outside my window. Thank you for everything you've done.
To my mom, I love you so so much to the moon and back. Thank you for your sacrifices and for the warmth you've given me in times where I've been plunged deep in the cold darkness of my psyche. I'm your baby bear, your littlest baby, your youngest child. I'm so sorry for this, when you said today that I was not happy and I lied to you, saying I was tired, I secretly wanted you to just give me one last hug. I'll come and claim that hug tonight. Our relationship grew stronger since I opened up to you about what happened to me, and I'm so sorry for lying all those times where I said I was okay and I moved on from it. The truth is, I never did. Flashbacks, nightmares, I can't go out anymore to a club or to have fun with my friends because of that night. My university life was ruined, university was ruined for me because of that. The "friends" that were there with me that night, left me and they still linger there. I couldn't take it anymore, the constant stress and crying, the constant need to avoid huge areas, I couldn't focus on my work anymore. I couldn't focus anymore. I couldn't… going back there would've killed me anyways. I am so sorry mom, I love you so much, and I'm sorry we couldn't bake macarons together or go to a Korean restaurant for lunch. Just know, I'm always here with you, hugging you from behind and latching on like your Velcro child always has. I love you mom.
To my brother, my dear brother… just know, it was not your fault. It was not your fault, you didn't know about my addiction. I don't blame you for indirectly enabling me, you are the best brother I could ever ask for. From those days of watching Adventure Time together when we were younger, referencing Vines whenever we were together, singing The Drums songs when you took me to school. You have given me a life of fun, a life of adventure and silliness. I am so proud of you, where you are now. You're engaged to a woman that truly makes you happy, tell her that I love her so much, and that she was like another big sister to me. Thank you for everything you've given to me, and I guarantee that you will go far in life. I'll be here always, watching over and loving you.
And to my older sister, and her family. Distance between us really affected our relationship, but I will always love you all. From the times where we fucked around on Zoo Tycoon back in the day, you practicing your Smokey eyeshadow on me and me incorporating that into my signature look, you've shown me a lot. You've shown me strength, bravery, and to always be yourself. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that you're going through, and I am so sorry. I love you, and your family so so much. Give the boys a big hug from their Aunty.
There's not much left I can say, but I will leave with this quote from one of my favorite video games:
" When the world falls down around you, and hope is lost, when you find yourself alone amid a lightless place, look into the distance, know that I am there and that I watch over you always." - Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, Final Fantasy XV.
I will always be there in spirit, I will be everywhere.
I leave the final song I will listen to when I die.
Farewell everyone, I love you always.
- S
I like to think that strangers are a friend of mine, thus all of you are my friends. Each and every person is unique, filled with unique features and sets that wire them to be who they are. And who you are, you are incredible. You're incredible, don't forget that.
I'm a person that loves anyone regardless of what they're going through. Whether you're good, or struggling, I will love you. In times where you feel like all hope is lost, you're plunging in the darkness, look up into the sky and know that I am there. I am there, loving you and giving you so much love and affection. I'll be watching over you all, protecting you all.
Unfortunately, my brain is mightier than my heart, I have no love for myself. I see myself in its raw form, and it's nasty. I'm an addict, ever since I was raped in 2023, I grew a crippling addiction to drugs and drinking. I got scammed of 1.2K because I wanted Xanax to end my pain. End the constant flashbacks of what happened that night, I can still feel his hands at the back of my head and on my jaw. Drugs became my love, but I stopped functioning. My biggest fear is disappointment, my family doesn't deserve to go through that anger and disappointment of me being an addict. They've gone through enough with me, and the guilt I feel on my chest is so heavy, it's overwhelming.
To my dad, I am so entirely grateful that you were my father. There were times where our relationship was extremely difficult, I was going through a lot in my teenage years. I was alienated, tormented, I was made to feel as though I never belonged anywhere. I was so harsh to you dad, and you didn't deserve that at all. I wish we could've grown closer together, like we were when I was a kid. I'm so sorry for any hardship I put you through, you're an amazing dad with a drive to push those who need it and they succeed. I'm so sorry for keeping my rape story a secret from you, you deserved to know what happened that night, I just felt that things would've escalated to an extremely bad degree, I didn't want that. You're an amazing dad, and an even more amazing gardener, thank you for the pretty flowers you planted outside my window. Thank you for everything you've done.
To my mom, I love you so so much to the moon and back. Thank you for your sacrifices and for the warmth you've given me in times where I've been plunged deep in the cold darkness of my psyche. I'm your baby bear, your littlest baby, your youngest child. I'm so sorry for this, when you said today that I was not happy and I lied to you, saying I was tired, I secretly wanted you to just give me one last hug. I'll come and claim that hug tonight. Our relationship grew stronger since I opened up to you about what happened to me, and I'm so sorry for lying all those times where I said I was okay and I moved on from it. The truth is, I never did. Flashbacks, nightmares, I can't go out anymore to a club or to have fun with my friends because of that night. My university life was ruined, university was ruined for me because of that. The "friends" that were there with me that night, left me and they still linger there. I couldn't take it anymore, the constant stress and crying, the constant need to avoid huge areas, I couldn't focus on my work anymore. I couldn't focus anymore. I couldn't… going back there would've killed me anyways. I am so sorry mom, I love you so much, and I'm sorry we couldn't bake macarons together or go to a Korean restaurant for lunch. Just know, I'm always here with you, hugging you from behind and latching on like your Velcro child always has. I love you mom.
To my brother, my dear brother… just know, it was not your fault. It was not your fault, you didn't know about my addiction. I don't blame you for indirectly enabling me, you are the best brother I could ever ask for. From those days of watching Adventure Time together when we were younger, referencing Vines whenever we were together, singing The Drums songs when you took me to school. You have given me a life of fun, a life of adventure and silliness. I am so proud of you, where you are now. You're engaged to a woman that truly makes you happy, tell her that I love her so much, and that she was like another big sister to me. Thank you for everything you've given to me, and I guarantee that you will go far in life. I'll be here always, watching over and loving you.
And to my older sister, and her family. Distance between us really affected our relationship, but I will always love you all. From the times where we fucked around on Zoo Tycoon back in the day, you practicing your Smokey eyeshadow on me and me incorporating that into my signature look, you've shown me a lot. You've shown me strength, bravery, and to always be yourself. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that you're going through, and I am so sorry. I love you, and your family so so much. Give the boys a big hug from their Aunty.
There's not much left I can say, but I will leave with this quote from one of my favorite video games:
" When the world falls down around you, and hope is lost, when you find yourself alone amid a lightless place, look into the distance, know that I am there and that I watch over you always." - Lunafreya Nox Fleuret, Final Fantasy XV.
I will always be there in spirit, I will be everywhere.
I leave the final song I will listen to when I die.
Farewell everyone, I love you always.
- S
