It's been a while since I used this forum. My plan was to end it by March this year before turning 29. I turned 29 last month. I'm supposed to not exist today. I gave myself more time, again. Day after day, I lose control over my body. I also feel physically weak when I think a lot. Dizzy, but not collapsing. Paralyzed. I want to ransack my brain and find all the lost emotions: intense fear and extreme happiness. Until last year, I would wake up in the middle of the night and cry uncontrollably, feel fear in my stomach, be afraid of my future. I don't, now. I just want to feel fear. I want to be present in today. I want to worry. People around me lost hope in me and I began looking at myself through their lens. I lost confidence in myself. I no longer believe in my capabilities. I feel incompetent and paralyzed. I lost control over my body. I stop myself from falling into a negative thought loop and I push myself to think positively. It doesn't last long. I keep falling into this place of calm and nothingness.
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