Discussion A feeling that something is wrong

[Ifonlysheknew]

I've always had this innate feeling that something is wrong with me. I don't mean like a mindset issue, but like an actually biochemical problem, be it mental or physical. Or at least I think so.

Now I'm getting medicated for bipolar. I don't know if I actually have bipolar tbh, cuz many of the psychiatrists in my country are pretty much pill-pushers. But I've kinda just played along with it because I want the medication. Though I refuse to take the conventional medication for bipolar, like Seroquel and Lithium (which I've tried), because weight gain/doesn't really help, etc, I've been fed a cocktail of medications. These, somehow helps me curb some of my so-called symptoms (eg. Lorazepam for sleep, lexapro, concerta, etc.)

But it's not a 100% fix, ofcourse. Somehow, deep down, I still feel like something is wrong with me. From things that happen day to day, revelations on things that apparently aren't as common, or are way more common, than I first assumed.
Just life.

Without a fix of something to help, like weed, I still feel somethings wrong. And the more I try to pretend it doesn't exist, the harder it comes back.

Nevertheless, I just feel really backed into a corner with this. I know I probably sound crazy, or I would sound crazy if I were to explain further (hey, maybe that's what's wrong!(?) I'm crazy!(?) )
Which is why I don't say anything.

But does anyone else get what I'm saying? I'm sure I'm not alone in this,
But I'm curious. How do you guys deal with this?
Due to circumstances, I don't have the ability to act on this myself without alerting the people close to me, so I can't exactly walk into a hospital and say "figure out what's wrong with me please" - trust me, if I could, I would.
Docs would probably think I'm crazy aswell due to my medical history of medications and psychiatrists and therapy

But what would you do if you were in this situation?

 

[406metallicblue]

The pro life version is to wean yourself off the medication and a find a way to live that corresponds with your character, as best as you can even if it's hard and you feel ill at ease. This something that is 'wrong' is powerful and hard to pin down isn't it so i know it's not easy. It's not crazy to feel how you do in your position, it's normal, but yes the mental health profession will categorise you. I deal with it by keeping mental health services in perspective and opening a bottle of pastis at lunchtime and taking a few of their meds. this is what seems to work best for me, for the time being. i'm not sure it's got much mileage in it but then, what has?

 

[kohaku]

I've had a feeling something was wrong with me for a long time too, and so did my best friend. I finally figured it out but it took years of analysis, but to be fair, it was mental. How long have you been feeling this way?

No offense, but that might also actually be mental. I get (paranoid) delusions often and I can tell you there's even minor things that aren't true that you can convince yourself to believe in very well. If you're really intent on getting answers then therapy is the best answer I can offer. If you don't get a satisfactionary answer or get the sign that something is wrong with your therapist, switch therapists. Getting a second opinion is really valuable.

I don't wanna diagnose you or anything and this is absolutely not certain but I believe it might just be a matter of insecurity.

 

[Ifonlysheknew]

@krtgrf
I've felt like this for as long as i can remember, even as a kid. I didn't know it back then, as in I couldn't really identify it. More of the "black sheep" kind of feeling.
And having a family that'd constantly put that in my head growing up, and somehow things lining up as proof to it, didn't help.

I guess, but I feel like I've tried everything at this point. I'm on like my 9th therapist now, and I'm still back here.
But let me know if you have any suggestions on what I could try next :)
Cuz honestly at this point, I'm so desperate I'd take anything.
//
@406metallicblue
I feel you, really. Just trying to play through whatever fits to get me through the day at this point.

 

[Ruffian]

I've had a feeling something was wrong with me for a long time too, and so did my best friend. I finally figured it out but it took years of analysis, but to be fair, it was mental. How long have you been feeling this way?

No offense, but that might also actually be mental. I get (paranoid) delusions often and I can tell you there's even minor things that aren't true that you can convince yourself to believe in very well. If you're really intent on getting answers then therapy is the best answer I can offer. If you don't get a satisfactionary answer or get the sign that something is wrong with your therapist, switch therapists. Getting a second opinion is really valuable.

I don't wanna diagnose you or anything and this is absolutely not certain but I believe it might just be a matter of insecurity.

I want to also emphasize to get another therapist if the one you have isn't working. I had a therapist for YEARS who convinced me she was the only one who could help me. She ended up making me worse and now I want to ctb all the time.

 

[AmbleNorth]

Sometimes I feel something is very wrong with me on a fundamental level, but then I read the news and hear stories of people doing horrendous things to other people that I would never conceive of doing. Then I think, "maybe I'm not so messed up, after all." Even though I cannot pull it together the way most others can. In other words, I am not truly at the polar end of that broken, anomalousness. And I suspect many here aren't either. Just hurting.