Tom9999
I've suffered enough.
- Aug 27, 2019
- 124
Before recovery I unconsciously viewed intimacy as pain, so I always participated in destructive push-pull relationships that prevented intimacy. I scoffed at people who said they were "happily in love", got married, or started families, as I thought "Why would people want to create and participate in such suffering - how stupid!"
After recovery I realized there IS such a thing as healthy, pleasurable, nurturing, freeing, and rewarding intimacy.
As a matter of fact, I was presented with such opportunities for just that sort of intimacy many many times in my life, but always unconsciously rejected it.
Realizing this creates an irredeemable sense of loss.
Whenever I see teenagers holding hands, a couple shopping together, a young family on a picnic, or people celebrating the birth of their grandkid, I think "All that was available to me and I missed out."
There are other aspects of life I missed out on in the same way. Putting them all together... it's too much for me to handle, especially after the numerous failures to thrive that followed my recovery.
That's the downside to recovery: you realize your losses, which can be enormous and cannot be truly compensated for as you are young but once.
If recovery leads to a reasonably fulfilling life then I believe one can go on.
But if it doesn't, the additional burden of now seeing all you missed out on can overwhelm.
After recovery I realized there IS such a thing as healthy, pleasurable, nurturing, freeing, and rewarding intimacy.
As a matter of fact, I was presented with such opportunities for just that sort of intimacy many many times in my life, but always unconsciously rejected it.
Realizing this creates an irredeemable sense of loss.
Whenever I see teenagers holding hands, a couple shopping together, a young family on a picnic, or people celebrating the birth of their grandkid, I think "All that was available to me and I missed out."
There are other aspects of life I missed out on in the same way. Putting them all together... it's too much for me to handle, especially after the numerous failures to thrive that followed my recovery.
That's the downside to recovery: you realize your losses, which can be enormous and cannot be truly compensated for as you are young but once.
If recovery leads to a reasonably fulfilling life then I believe one can go on.
But if it doesn't, the additional burden of now seeing all you missed out on can overwhelm.
