ihavetoleave
Member
- Dec 28, 2020
- 89
(Apologies in advance for the long post) I'll be 40 in a few months into this New Year. This year was awful for me like so many, however it was awful for me mainly due to my own choices and past behavior which I now see clearly. I have spent my life being an addict, a loser, a liar and overall a bad person. I did not see it before as I have spent the majority of my life being high, taking meds, and in general self-soothing so I did not deal with or even see reality the way everyone else does. It all caught up with me this year. I quit my job before the pandemic hit and was unable to be rehired. I had/have no money to buy more substances or afford any kind of health care to keep taking meds, I can't buy anything and my (now ex) partner was very angry with me and argued with my family to take me away. After weeks of back and forth I was brought home and now I am a burden here to my poor parents. I lost everything, my partner, my cat, my "career", any income and now I am in severe debt and it is all my fault.
Each day is a nightmare of realizing (now that I am sober) how badly I have lived my life. Literally each life step I have made has been badly done, I've made every decision in haste, panic, selfishly, and in a haze of addiction and self soothing. There is no fixing what I have done. I've always done badly with any kind of friendship or relationship, I've been a bad employee, I have always tried to hide how pathetic I really am. I tried to find another job for months when I first got back home and I saw that I built a career on my own BS, I am not qualified, I have no degree and I don't even understand the technical aspects of the businesses I have worked for. I also have no way of providing value at this point, I don't know how to live without carroting myself with substances, vaping/smoking as rewards. I don't know who I am, what I do know is that I am a disgusting human being. Only a terrible person could make such a disaster of their past, present and future and be a burden on their family with no hope of moving forward. I literally cannot live or move forward without these addictions propping me up and propelling me forward. I keep remembering all of the awful things I have done, it is not normal, I am horrified at who I am. I am a swindler, an addict and I have made these bad choices for decades.
The only way forward is to CTB. I tried to partial hang myself many times over the past months. I got nowhere after many, many attempts and I spent what little money I have left on SN. I received it a couple days ago and now I see that while I have a sure thing, I am too scared to poison myself and to truly remove myself from this existence. How selfish of me, I cannot add value to this world, I see it so clearly now and I can't even end my own suffering with an appropriate tool to do so. I am so disgusting that although I can't provide any kind of value or move forward, although I have caused a lot of trouble and grief to others, I don't have the guts or conviction to do the only thing I can and should do end it once and for all. I suppose I am who I am and who I have made myself to be, I can't do the right thing no matter what. I'm not a murderer or a bank robber but I am pathetic in a different way, a person with no value, a person who only takes and who cannot even do the final task of ending their own pain.
Each day is a nightmare of realizing (now that I am sober) how badly I have lived my life. Literally each life step I have made has been badly done, I've made every decision in haste, panic, selfishly, and in a haze of addiction and self soothing. There is no fixing what I have done. I've always done badly with any kind of friendship or relationship, I've been a bad employee, I have always tried to hide how pathetic I really am. I tried to find another job for months when I first got back home and I saw that I built a career on my own BS, I am not qualified, I have no degree and I don't even understand the technical aspects of the businesses I have worked for. I also have no way of providing value at this point, I don't know how to live without carroting myself with substances, vaping/smoking as rewards. I don't know who I am, what I do know is that I am a disgusting human being. Only a terrible person could make such a disaster of their past, present and future and be a burden on their family with no hope of moving forward. I literally cannot live or move forward without these addictions propping me up and propelling me forward. I keep remembering all of the awful things I have done, it is not normal, I am horrified at who I am. I am a swindler, an addict and I have made these bad choices for decades.
The only way forward is to CTB. I tried to partial hang myself many times over the past months. I got nowhere after many, many attempts and I spent what little money I have left on SN. I received it a couple days ago and now I see that while I have a sure thing, I am too scared to poison myself and to truly remove myself from this existence. How selfish of me, I cannot add value to this world, I see it so clearly now and I can't even end my own suffering with an appropriate tool to do so. I am so disgusting that although I can't provide any kind of value or move forward, although I have caused a lot of trouble and grief to others, I don't have the guts or conviction to do the only thing I can and should do end it once and for all. I suppose I am who I am and who I have made myself to be, I can't do the right thing no matter what. I'm not a murderer or a bank robber but I am pathetic in a different way, a person with no value, a person who only takes and who cannot even do the final task of ending their own pain.