A couple of thoughts

[JesterThrowAway]

Hi Everyone,

Not sure why I am writing this, probably just have a need to express myself.

I'm in my mid-30s, relatively successful in life - decent job, good place to live. If you ask me why I am here... As some people, I just cannot live an empty life by just consuming things and providing constant gratification to my body by experiencing hedonism-like lifestyle. A lot of people of my "status" doing it and are perfectly happy but I need a reason, a positive change I can add to this World to keep it going. Perhaps a justification why you live and what you doing here.

And I am loosing it lately.

I was pretty close to CTB few times in my life. Generally life is a roller coaster and good and bad times are changing each other. I was lucky enough when my times of despair and disinterest for life were replaced by times of incredible happiness, however short they have been. Every time it happened I was extremely thankful I didn't CTB before.

There is more to that. As a child, I didn't have much love shared with me by my parents - well, that's alright, not everyone is lucky with it. As time went by, I made a decision I will never deprive of love and care people around me. But apparently it wasn't just that easy - being deprived of love as a kid made me craving it as an adult and made it's presence almost synonymical to life itself. It's like a necessity to give and willingness to accept.

And whenever I can't achieve at least one of it I become frustrated and thinking like it's a time. Time to go as all things I've planned are completed and achieved and finally I can have some peace.

We know how difficult is to cross the last line. You stand in front of it for a while, but that last inch is so incredibly hard to make. Extreme willingness to live is implanted into us and don't they dare to call those who make this step cowards. It's a Courage, much more respected then miserable life of people who died inside long time ago and pursue living their miserable life by keeping spoiling our Planet with their endless hedonism activity.

I am not here to convince anyone of course - let's leave those immature attempts to people who foolishly think they know what's the best for each of us - but the thought that you all, amazing, fascinating people, would find peace in another space makes me extremely sad. There is something terribly, horrendously wrong with our society, people around us, that makes our life so excruciating, so unbearable so we are making the choice we hate and antagonise with every our cell - yet do it.

I'd like to share my love to you all. Will pray for our happiness and changes in our live that will move us away from the line. Not particularly religios person, but not sure how else I can help.

Life is incredibly beautiful and I wish everyone of you, while standing in front of that last line, to suddenly see that reason that will make you step back. I was lucky enough to see it everytime I was there. For now.

Apologies for long text and thank you for reading it. Please remove it if it's something that shouldn't be here.

 

[Revan16]

Your first few paragraphs hit so close to home..

I hear you, and i totally understand. I want to ctb because my craving for love has made almost all my relationships toxic and ended up with me hurting the people that actually gave a fuck.

That last step...

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Hi Everyone,

Not sure why I am writing this, probably just have a need to express myself.

I'm in my mid-30s, relatively successful in life - decent job, good place to live. If you ask me why I am here... As some people, I just cannot live an empty life by just consuming things and providing constant gratification to my body by experiencing hedonism-like lifestyle. A lot of people of my "status" doing it and are perfectly happy but I need a reason, a positive change I can add to this World to keep it going. Perhaps a justification why you live and what you doing here.

And I am loosing it lately.

I was pretty close to CTB few times in my life. Generally life is a roller coaster and good and bad times are changing each other. I was lucky enough when my times of despair and disinterest for life were replaced by times of incredible happiness, however short they have been. Every time it happened I was extremely thankful I didn't CTB before.

There is more to that. As a child, I didn't have much love shared with me by my parents - well, that's alright, not everyone is lucky with it. As time went by, I made a decision I will never deprive of love and care people around me. But apparently it wasn't just that easy - being deprived of love as a kid made me craving it as an adult and made it's presence almost synonymical to life itself. It's like a necessity to give and willingness to accept.

And whenever I can't achieve at least one of it I become frustrated and thinking like it's a time. Time to go as all things I've planned are completed and achieved and finally I can have some peace.

We know how difficult is to cross the last line. You stand in front of it for a while, but that last inch is so incredibly hard to make. Extreme willingness to live is implanted into us and don't they dare to call those who make this step cowards. It's a Courage, much more respected then miserable life of people who died inside long time ago and pursue living their miserable life by keeping spoiling our Planet with their endless hedonism activity.

I am not here to convince anyone of course - let's leave those immature attempts to people who foolishly think they know what's the best for each of us - but the thought that you all, amazing, fascinating people, would find peace in another space makes me extremely sad. There is something terribly, horrendously wrong with our society, people around us, that makes our life so excruciating, so unbearable so we are making the choice we hate and antagonise with every our cell - yet do it.

I'd like to share my love to you all. Will pray for our happiness and changes in our live that will move us away from the line. Not particularly religios person, but not sure how else I can help.

Life is incredibly beautiful and I wish everyone of you, while standing in front of that last line, to suddenly see that reason that will make you step back. I was lucky enough to see it everytime I was there. For now.

Apologies for long text and thank you for reading it. Please remove it if it's something that shouldn't be here.

I can sum up why this planet is such a hell hole. I have connections to very rich people who are very religious (through my bf who ctb last year) and they know I desperately need help. They couldn't even throw together a few dollars to help me. My bf asked them to help me in a video he made before he ctb. Here's another example..I called a large "Christian" charity for help and they lectured me on reading the Bible and told me I made bad choices while knowing nothing about my situation. I have made very good choices and worked my ass off to get well. My parents would rather spend money on traveling than helping me survive. I've applied for grants for medical treatment, I've applied for government assistance and no one fucking cares. I want to live but I can't afford to. I'm almost out of credit and I've been a complete emotional wreck today thinking that I am going to have to ctb really soon. To top it all off my neighbor's stole $300 worth of supplements from me that I was hoping would help me with my health issues. It's hard to see any beauty in life when you are surrounded by assholes. Nobody gives a shit and I want out now!!

 

[gingerplum]

Hi Everyone,

Not sure why I am writing this, probably just have a need to express myself.

I'm in my mid-30s, relatively successful in life - decent job, good place to live. If you ask me why I am here... As some people, I just cannot live an empty life by just consuming things and providing constant gratification to my body by experiencing hedonism-like lifestyle. A lot of people of my "status" doing it and are perfectly happy but I need a reason, a positive change I can add to this World to keep it going. Perhaps a justification why you live and what you doing here.

And I am loosing it lately.

I was pretty close to CTB few times in my life. Generally life is a roller coaster and good and bad times are changing each other. I was lucky enough when my times of despair and disinterest for life were replaced by times of incredible happiness, however short they have been. Every time it happened I was extremely thankful I didn't CTB before.

There is more to that. As a child, I didn't have much love shared with me by my parents - well, that's alright, not everyone is lucky with it. As time went by, I made a decision I will never deprive of love and care people around me. But apparently it wasn't just that easy - being deprived of love as a kid made me craving it as an adult and made it's presence almost synonymical to life itself. It's like a necessity to give and willingness to accept.

And whenever I can't achieve at least one of it I become frustrated and thinking like it's a time. Time to go as all things I've planned are completed and achieved and finally I can have some peace.

We know how difficult is to cross the last line. You stand in front of it for a while, but that last inch is so incredibly hard to make. Extreme willingness to live is implanted into us and don't they dare to call those who make this step cowards. It's a Courage, much more respected then miserable life of people who died inside long time ago and pursue living their miserable life by keeping spoiling our Planet with their endless hedonism activity.

I am not here to convince anyone of course - let's leave those immature attempts to people who foolishly think they know what's the best for each of us - but the thought that you all, amazing, fascinating people, would find peace in another space makes me extremely sad. There is something terribly, horrendously wrong with our society, people around us, that makes our life so excruciating, so unbearable so we are making the choice we hate and antagonise with every our cell - yet do it.

I'd like to share my love to you all. Will pray for our happiness and changes in our live that will move us away from the line. Not particularly religios person, but not sure how else I can help.

Life is incredibly beautiful and I wish everyone of you, while standing in front of that last line, to suddenly see that reason that will make you step back. I was lucky enough to see it everytime I was there. For now.

Apologies for long text and thank you for reading it. Please remove it if it's something that shouldn't be here.

Your description of how you feel really resonated with me. I can completely relate to wondering if future good times can possibly make up for or even balance out the bad...

 

[JesterThrowAway]

Your first few paragraphs hit so close to home..

I hear you, and i totally understand. I want to ctb because my craving for love has made almost all my relationships toxic and ended up with me hurting the people that actually gave a fuck.

That last step...

Thank you for your response. Happy to know there are people who share same thoughts.

Your description of how you feel really resonated with me. I can completely relate to wondering if future good times can possibly make up for or even balance out the bad...

Thank you! I hope good times will outbalance the bad ones for you.

 

[Stan]

For some reason my Spidey senses are going off....................................

 

[JesterThrowAway]

For some reason my Spidey senses are going off....................................

Not sure what you mean by that. You may not believe me - that your absolute right.

 

[Sweet emotion]

Hi Everyone,

Not sure why I am writing this, probably just have a need to express myself.

I'm in my mid-30s, relatively successful in life - decent job, good place to live. If you ask me why I am here... As some people, I just cannot live an empty life by just consuming things and providing constant gratification to my body by experiencing hedonism-like lifestyle. A lot of people of my "status" doing it and are perfectly happy but I need a reason, a positive change I can add to this World to keep it going. Perhaps a justification why you live and what you doing here.

And I am loosing it lately.

I was pretty close to CTB few times in my life. Generally life is a roller coaster and good and bad times are changing each other. I was lucky enough when my times of despair and disinterest for life were replaced by times of incredible happiness, however short they have been. Every time it happened I was extremely thankful I didn't CTB before.

There is more to that. As a child, I didn't have much love shared with me by my parents - well, that's alright, not everyone is lucky with it. As time went by, I made a decision I will never deprive of love and care people around me. But apparently it wasn't just that easy - being deprived of love as a kid made me craving it as an adult and made it's presence almost synonymical to life itself. It's like a necessity to give and willingness to accept.

And whenever I can't achieve at least one of it I become frustrated and thinking like it's a time. Time to go as all things I've planned are completed and achieved and finally I can have some peace.

We know how difficult is to cross the last line. You stand in front of it for a while, but that last inch is so incredibly hard to make. Extreme willingness to live is implanted into us and don't they dare to call those who make this step cowards. It's a Courage, much more respected then miserable life of people who died inside long time ago and pursue living their miserable life by keeping spoiling our Planet with their endless hedonism activity.

I am not here to convince anyone of course - let's leave those immature attempts to people who foolishly think they know what's the best for each of us - but the thought that you all, amazing, fascinating people, would find peace in another space makes me extremely sad. There is something terribly, horrendously wrong with our society, people around us, that makes our life so excruciating, so unbearable so we are making the choice we hate and antagonise with every our cell - yet do it.

I'd like to share my love to you all. Will pray for our happiness and changes in our live that will move us away from the line. Not particularly religios person, but not sure how else I can help.

Life is incredibly beautiful and I wish everyone of you, while standing in front of that last line, to suddenly see that reason that will make you step back. I was lucky enough to see it everytime I was there. For now.

Apologies for long text and thank you for reading it. Please remove it if it's something that shouldn't be here.

I don't want to die because I'm unhappy for no reason. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. People actually have their lijbs cut off to try and get out if pain but I have it in a very rare area which keeps me from having any kind if human contact, within my ears and head and face. I can't talk for more than a couple minutes or listen. I've been a prisoner in my body and in my house because I can't take any noise. Even the breeze blowing against my face is enough to make me scream in pain. I've had this since I was 20 years old and I'm 34 now, so I've lived with it and fought it for 14 years. I can't physically do much for myself so my mother cares for me. but she isn't going to be here forever and when she is gone I won't be able to care for myself. I had to quit work and college so I wouldn't even have enough money for an apartment. This condition is known as the suicide disease because there are no treat!entd and no cures. So it's not like I want to die because I hate my hair. This is a serious problem that just steals your life from you. My good friend who had it killed herself three years ago at the age of 31. I don't want to exist like this for the rest of my natural life. Because I'm not living. I'm existing. I wake up, eat, go to the bathroom, and go back and lay in bed. What kind of life is thst?