Vunro
A deranged and depressed psychopath
- Oct 4, 2019
- 10
I've been researching and plotting my suicide for about 3 years now. In fact just before my first attempt at 17 i found out my girlfriend was pregnant. I was going to have a baby. That changed everything. I completely got the idea of suicide out of my head and started preparing to be a father. My girl graduated from online high school classes and i got my GED. We got our money up and got our own apartment. We both had large families so we got anything we would need for the baby at the baby shower and then some. We were stable. But we weren't happy. One thing led to another and we ended up breaking up about 6 months after my son was born. Truthfully i didnt care much. Im a self diagnosed psychopath and have always had trouble feeling emotions and forming connections with anyone aside from my girlfriend. So i moved back home with my parents. They lived 300 miles away from where me and my girl were staying so i saw my son once a month if that. But 3 months after his first birthday she and him moved in with her dad in the same state, just one city away. I started seeing him a lot more often, not because i cared anything for him but because i could play the role of the loving father to get back together with my girlfriend. But somewhere down the line it was no longer an act. I started to feel love for him. I cared about him. In fact i cared more about everything in general. The emotionless psychopath had developed empathy. Not a good trait to adopt after 19 years of feeling nothing. I've adapted well since then but thats what is causing me problems. I know that when i ctb all my problems will be over for me and i physically wont be able to care about anything at all anymore, but still i feel an enormous guilt knowing my son is going to grow up with his father. All i can do is hope that psychopathy is hereditary and he'll feel nothing about his father being gone but deep down i know it wont be that way. He's 2 and a half now and has his own personality and i can look at him and see the way he interacts socially and i know that he's normal. My death would greatly affect him emotionally. I still plan to ctb for sure as the pain grows worse with each passing day, but its a problem that plagues my mind. Im not looking for advice im just trapped in my head 24/7 and now i finally have an anonymous place to spill out my heart and soul
