Venting a bad person who doesn’t deserve to live

[maneose]

i've kinda feel myself spiraling, but earlier this month i did something that made me realize i'm not the good person i thought i was. i used to believe that though i wasn't innocent, i was still good and intended good on others. i can't see myself as that anymore, i can't see myself as cute or even passively attractive. i feel like my face is always morphing into a melting mess and that everyone can see the uglyness i try and hide with the poor attempts of being cute. i don't have anyone to talk to about it, and if i did i think people (at least my best friend) would stop talking to me. i have my rational side of myself understanding it was a mistake and that my guilt and actions afterwords show that, and if i knew the information before hand i wouldn't have done what i did, but the presence of the other side, is constantly tied with guilt and disgust and admission that i am infact a monster, that i am no better than the abuser before me, that i just proved my abuser right and had to right to judge them for what they did to me. my current limited vision, sees me as not being able to regain the small amount of love i had for myself. that i should just cut to the chase and punish myself for my sins.
i guess you can see this as a cry for help or just a desperate attempt to know if i'm a bad person, which makes me feel even worse feeling like i'm pleading for people to forgiven me when i have no right to be forgiven
reason why i feel this way
usually watch porn on twitter, and ended up on the part where there is a lot of videos of microcelebrities and streamers are used as material (not ai just average things they usually post) which at the time i knew was wrong and after this don't engage in that material. i assumed all these girls were above 18 because i recognized most of them, including one that i masturbated to. i saw a comment that said she was underage and didn't really believe(or want to believe) that someone would edit or post anything with someone who wasn't 18. it lingered in my mind for a bit, and i eventually needed to verify that comment, turns out she was 17. i freaked out went back to block the account forgetting to report the post and just purged my entire priv twitter. i feel like i would feel less guilty if i was able to report it, but even then i feel like such a terrible person and i can't get it off my chest