82 days left and I feel... calm

[meltskelt]

I have 82 days left and somehow it is kind of weird how calm I'm. At fist I was " oh god, this is very scary"- but now I just know there is no other option. You see, people don't believe that I'm suicidal and once I die they might still not fully accept, this idea of ctb is my little secret. Living life knowing your death is close.
Well, another "issue" is my asthma, using SN is going to make me not breath already, plus my natural lack of breathing? Just perfect. Anyways, it is what it is... A little thing to do before being free forever. I didn't write a letter saying goodbye or shit like that... I don't love my parents ( they are all I have and still they make me feel miserable, now that I just ignore everything I've started getting along with them, but meh"- and I won't write anything for my virtual friends. Just have to delete social medias, this accout, my photos and stuff + select musics to listen while ctb

 

[Edu Ardanuy]

I didn't think about deleting any social media or anything. Maybe I'll leave it all as it is, fuck this, I won't be around anyway.
I'm also not sure about my parents, they did/said harsh things to me, hard to forget... didn't decide whether I'll leave them a note or not.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

Nice you've been given that comfort. I only get that feeling when I get extremely depressed... other than that I get the feeling that I cannot live much longer (Similar to you I am probably going to ctb around late feb) but death scares me. Like I will be eternally punished after I die. How long did it take for you to go from fearing ctb?

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the freedom you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[meltskelt]

Nice you've been given that comfort. I only get that feeling when I get extremely depressed... other than that I get the feeling that I cannot live much longer (Similar to you I am probably going to ctb around late feb) but death scares me. Like I will be eternally punished after I die. How long did it take for you to go from fearing ctb?

I have decided to ctb since the start of this year I think? And not until september was I confortable enough with the idea. The truth is that I would love to know what migth happens after death, if there is another life or just oblivion. Now I kind of just ignore my feelings and accept that if you keep on living, life will only be the same thing over and over again... Would you actually stay on earth for a couple of good moments that won't matter later?? Death is scary, but is safer and better.
Hmm, so, probably the time for you to get used to the idea of ctb depends on how you see the situation, probably ( for me, at least), took 6 months???

I didn't think about deleting any social media or anything. Maybe I'll leave it all as it is, fuck this, I won't be around anyway.
I'm also not sure about my parents, they did/said harsh things to me, hard to forget... didn't decide whether I'll leave them a note or not.

yeah... It is just that by leaving your SS account they can find the forum later, that would be bad. Other social medias I would delete more because I don't have a reason to let people find them?? Maybe my Twitter accout would stay. About the letter, I think you should only write for people you like, not your parents ( if they have made you feel bad ). Sometimes we believe that we love them, but in the end it is usually just because they are the only people around at the time... Once you leave, you will notice that you don't acctually love them. ( well, if you are dead you won't get the chance of noticing it lol)