Venting 8 years leads to a dead end

[speck]

I just need to get it off my chest.
I've been in a relationship for 8 years. Much of it has been turbulent, but I truly love my partner so much. For several years, he has talked with me about future homes, plans, kids... I have no real family of my own, so being part of his family has been so nice at times. I can not see myself ever being in love with someone this deeply again.
But now, everything is falling apart. Since 2016, he has distanced himself more and more from me and others. He grows increasingly more isolated and polarized politically- he attacks me for not understanding his politics, takes shots at me constantly for my politics. He has expanded into taking shots at my looks as well. He has tried to make himself my enemy, probably so I will leave. On good days, I have never been more special and on the bad days I am worthless to him. Now he is talking about ending our relationship because I am not where he is politically and ideologically- the pandemic and the unrest in the cities has only made this narrative worse. I'm incredibly distressed and afraid- this person is someone that I have been with for better or for worse. Now I have lost value to him? After all the times I have stood by him...
I honestly do not think I can go on after this. I've thought about it so much as we approach the end of our lease that I feel like I'm living two narratives: one where I try to carry on and start over, erase all memories and sensation and try to live again. And one where I make peace with abandoning my possessions and my vessel. I'm exhausted.
I'm pretty sure that option two is where I'm heading. I feel afraid because I know it will be difficult emotionally to organize my final arrangements and find new housing and a job when I know I will be ctb soon. I wish I had foreseen this and made arrangements earlier. 8 years is just too long to try to start again, on top of other accumulated traumas. I'm heartbroken and devastated. Does anyone else have a similar situation?

 

[Meditation guide]

On good days, I have never been more special and on the bad days I am worthless to him. Now he is talking about ending our relationship because I am not where he is politically and ideologically-

Based on your description of him he sounds like a narcissist probably a covert one. You need to understand this and realize what kind of disorder it is. The more you can understand this, that all covert narcissists do the same things gradually to those who love them, the more you can see that you simply were a victim. It's the only mental disorder that affects those around them and harms them severely while leaving the one who has it relatively unscathed.

Now I have lost value to him? After all the times I have stood by him...

It's just what they do. It's the pattern they all have.

I can't advise you on your decision to ctb. But first understand what brought you to this. Being involved with someone with this disorder, leading up to the inevitable devaluation and discard of you is what did it. And the current political climate has encouraged and emboldened and supported this type of behavior of these disturbed people. They think if he can get away with all these things then I can do it too. and allow the false mask of normalcy and normal emotions drop away.

 

[WornOutLife]

The most dangerous thing about being in any relationship, is being the one who loves the other person "more."


As Meditation Guide said, that person is probably is a narcissist so in spite of your wonderful 8 years spent with him, you have to understand that you can't force anybody to love you forever and unfortunately, some people will "get bored" of us. However, If by "they" she/he meant every men are like that, she/he is wrong.

Every human being is different. I've been broken-hearted and broke hearts many times. My longest relationship lasted 5 years and we had lots of projects just like you did. I thought life was just impossible without her but know what? Time healed my wounds and I met new girls and have new relationships but then realized I preferred being alone because my mind is just somewhere else and I'll probably CTB soon so, I want no kids, wife, etc.

If you just wanna CTB because of this very person, you shouldn't. It seems you want to live on because you want a family and good economical situation right?


I would just wait a few months if I were in shoes, and see if I think the same way before CTB.

GL!!

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I agree with the previous comments. I also believe that your decision to ctb should not be tied to another person's perception of you. You've been with this person for 8 years. You have no concept of a life without him. I suspect that if you experienced a life without him, or with someone else, you might discover there is still joy to be had.