Story 7 months left

[thealteredmind]

previous months
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/9-months-left-intro.158676/
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/8-months-left.162790/

I would like for time to go faster.
I'm getting worse…

Sometimes I think… about ending it sooner. But I try to hold on to my promise: that this year I will give my last try. Futile, of course.

My pssd hasn't improved. My benzo symptoms are actually getting worse. I hate them, they are the main driver for me to fucking end this.

Something really weird happened when I travelled 4 days to another quiet place. Benzo symptoms, most of them, were practically gone. As soon as I got home again… they immediately resurfaced. What the hell? At this point I'm tired of this, it's like a fucking tease. I could try to investigate what happened but at this point I don't care anymore. There isn't a lot to analyze. Quality of water? Air?

Last week my insomnia reappeared strong, and doesn't look that it will improve. Perfect… more pain. All of these are just motivators for me to eventually do the thing.

I keep meditating. It does NOTHING. Any normal person would tell you that after 3 months they are seeing some difference. Not me of course, I'm damaged beyond belief.

Nothing else to say.

I'm tired, beyond tired. I never knew it was possible to experience something like this. Feels like a bad trip but x1000. It never ends.

 

[itsover246]

I know how you feel brother SSRIs have turned my life into a living nightmare this year to gone from normal enjoyable life to full blown pssd all symptoms in a few months. its indescribable the torture we have to endure and no one understands because they can't see it unlike other illnesses and it's unrecognised by doctors so they just think it's depression.

 

[set0553]

The problem is they get you on antidepressants, like they did me, and they changed my whole brain chemistry or something, so when I got off of them on my own, the depression came back times 1000! Worst decision I ever made to try those things.. made my depression so much worse, and still haven't recovered after all these years, but now have addiction issues to deal with too.. The addiction recovery centers just then get you hooked on subs, which is the worst.. best of luck my friend.

 

[DoubleUp8]

I need some context here. When you say benzo symptoms, are you referring to benzodiazipine withdrawals? When you say meditating, are you referring to transcendental meditation? I think I am interpreting correctly

 

[thealteredmind]

I know how you feel brother SSRIs have turned my life into a living nightmare this year to gone from normal enjoyable life to full blown pssd all symptoms in a few months. its indescribable the torture we have to endure and no one understands because they can't see it unlike other illnesses and it's unrecognised by doctors so they just think it's depression.

worst decision of my life, to ever try those FUCKING things

The problem is they get you on antidepressants, like they did me, and they changed my whole brain chemistry or something, so when I got off of them on my own, the depression came back times 1000! Worst decision I ever made to try those things.. made my depression so much worse, and still haven't recovered after all these years, but now have addiction issues to deal with too.. The addiction recovery centers just then get you hooked on subs, which is the worst.. best of luck my friend.

yep. medications made by the devil. the shitty thing is that they never tell you ssri can fuck you up. they are like "oh no that's depression it got worse you need a stronger dose! also take some antipsychotics!!"

I need some context here. When you say benzo symptoms, are you referring to benzodiazipine withdrawals? When you say meditating, are you referring to transcendental meditation? I think I am interpreting correctly

yeah benzo withdrawal. read my first post.

I'm doing 2 different meditations: 1 clinical mindfulness by forrest kutner. then 2 aimed to get stream entry.