Venting 6 months into a 12 month long online school course and haven’t submitted the first assignment yet

[blueskied_anclear]

the nature of autistic executive dysfunction. my parents have no idea, but it's set up so they contact my father through email, so i'm sure he'll get some questioning message at some point that'll tip him off. my parents are well-meaning but don't seem to fully understand the nature of autism - i'm sure i'll be perceived as lazy or as wilfully doing nothing. in reality i've been working on this one fucking small introductory assignment for months now in tiny bits with involuntary week-to-month long breaks in between. i wake up early every day from stress, constant stomach aches. it's all i think about.

the worst part is it's set up so that you have a 'personal tutor', i.e. someone who is assigned to grade you specifically and i assume no one else. i haven't opened up that email account with them for months and i am not exaggerating when i say it is pure terror i feel at the thought of it. what they might have said, how confused or even annoyed they must be feeling at having a student be no-contact for literally half a fucking year.

to make matters worse, the login page for their website is now malfunctioning for some reason, so i can't seem to get in anyway. like it just doesn't load, or rather loads a blank white space where the username and password boxes are supposed to be (does anyone know what might be causing something like that?)

i already am in a constant state of extreme active suicidal ideation for numerous other reasons, i was hoping this year i'd just get to hopefully wind down and relax until i die. but no. i never get rest. i have so many things i need to do before i go, most of all setting up the actual method itself. it'd be selfish in certain ways, there's things i need to write for people after i'm gone. but i'm in so much pain with this. it's so hard seeing that tin of sleep medication on my bedside and aching to be out so bad

Further context - am anxiety disordered, if this seems amusingly not a big deal from the outside looking in, lol

thanks for reading

 

[wiggy]

In my country university admission is just a battery of tests, such that I was able to get entry to what was at the time the best university in the country for my major despite dropping out of high school quite early. Anyways, similarly to the attitude I had in high school, I didn't attend any lectures for over a year, I'd just show up for the tests and wing it. Often I would miss tests at the beggining of the semester and have to study like a madman in order to get a barely passing grade. I was completely alienated from the entire educational structure of the course for the duration of university(I was expelled several times due to lack of attendancy, though I successfully appealed all of them), even after I started to clean up my act. I never experienced anything close to the amount of stress and anxiety as I did during those days, despite the fact I entered an extremely demanding professional field. The irony of it is that "getting with the program" only takes minimal effort if it's correctly directed, but you might need some help with that. Get in touch with a counselor or someone from the administration and lay oub the situation as plainly as you did here, odds are they'll be more than willing to help you out - that's what they're there for. It won't be the horror show you're probably be ruminating in your head.

 

[whywere]

Totally understand where you are coming from. In this day and age most everything is paid online and when something goes blank or worse completely down and YES, anxiety levels go through the roof, yep sure do.

Hugs and love to you, as you are an intelligent soul, and you will do great.

Walter