remunerated_exetrix
Member
- Mar 31, 2026
- 5
Memento Mori: remember that you have to die.
I think all of us are painfully aware of our mortality. Most of us know first hand what the experience of death is, whether that is literally or philosophically. My personal experience with death has been too much, too soon.
When I was young, I asked my mom where we went when we died. She said we went to heaven forever and that's where we'll be forever. Then the question that still causes me anxiety popped into my unfortunate head: "How long is forever?" That question made me have severe anxiety for a long time. Even revisiting the thought now brings on intense pains of an inescapable void in my chest. It wasn't till high school that I found out what that feeling actual was. It was anxiety. The fear of not knowing has been an irrational fear of mine, making it hard for me to accomplish task that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to fail, but more importantly, I don't want to die. Thinking that anything could lead to an untimely end made me not want to explore anymore, it made me content with what I knew and what I could know.
During that time, I told my best friend, at the time, what I had learned. He told me that he had something similar happen to him when he was a kid too. He told me that he always thought that there was a sniper looking at him, ready to shoot him at any moment. It made him anxious knowing that at any moment his life could end. I loved this friend, and I messed it all up with him and did him wrong because I was jealous of him. We had our falling out, but I never blamed him for what I did. During that time, I wanted to distance myself from everyone I knew, so it would be easier to kill myself. I had everything ready, but fortunately, that plan failed.
Till this day, I've always wanted to apologize to him. Even if he wasn't going to be my friend anymore, I figured I should at least do the right thing and apologize to him. Unfortunately, I will never get that chance. He died in a car accident a couple years after our falling out. I cried for a really long time. To this day, it still hurts when that time comes around. It became more complicated when I found out something I shouldn't known that involved me. It's such a immense, bitter amount of feeling for this person, it is hard to think about him anymore. I already have so much going on with my life, I really shouldn't be adding more things that causes me great pain in my life. I will remember, but I just can't remember everyday, and it's sad. I wish things didn't end so horribly and things didn't become so complicated after his passing, but I still don't hold any anger or resentment towards him. He shouldn't have died. I wish he was here today, even though he did get me back for what I did. It hurt so much. I miss you.
All of this to say, remember that you have to die. It doesn't have to end with pain.
I think all of us are painfully aware of our mortality. Most of us know first hand what the experience of death is, whether that is literally or philosophically. My personal experience with death has been too much, too soon.
When I was young, I asked my mom where we went when we died. She said we went to heaven forever and that's where we'll be forever. Then the question that still causes me anxiety popped into my unfortunate head: "How long is forever?" That question made me have severe anxiety for a long time. Even revisiting the thought now brings on intense pains of an inescapable void in my chest. It wasn't till high school that I found out what that feeling actual was. It was anxiety. The fear of not knowing has been an irrational fear of mine, making it hard for me to accomplish task that I don't know what's going to happen. I don't want to fail, but more importantly, I don't want to die. Thinking that anything could lead to an untimely end made me not want to explore anymore, it made me content with what I knew and what I could know.
During that time, I told my best friend, at the time, what I had learned. He told me that he had something similar happen to him when he was a kid too. He told me that he always thought that there was a sniper looking at him, ready to shoot him at any moment. It made him anxious knowing that at any moment his life could end. I loved this friend, and I messed it all up with him and did him wrong because I was jealous of him. We had our falling out, but I never blamed him for what I did. During that time, I wanted to distance myself from everyone I knew, so it would be easier to kill myself. I had everything ready, but fortunately, that plan failed.
Till this day, I've always wanted to apologize to him. Even if he wasn't going to be my friend anymore, I figured I should at least do the right thing and apologize to him. Unfortunately, I will never get that chance. He died in a car accident a couple years after our falling out. I cried for a really long time. To this day, it still hurts when that time comes around. It became more complicated when I found out something I shouldn't known that involved me. It's such a immense, bitter amount of feeling for this person, it is hard to think about him anymore. I already have so much going on with my life, I really shouldn't be adding more things that causes me great pain in my life. I will remember, but I just can't remember everyday, and it's sad. I wish things didn't end so horribly and things didn't become so complicated after his passing, but I still don't hold any anger or resentment towards him. He shouldn't have died. I wish he was here today, even though he did get me back for what I did. It hurt so much. I miss you.
All of this to say, remember that you have to die. It doesn't have to end with pain.
