I turned 33 this morning around 6am eat. For the past 12 or so years I've always dreaded my birthday and this is by far the one I've been anticipating the least. A third of the century spent here and I have very little to show - no wisdom, no love, no direction, no grounding.
I've suffered from severe depression for the past 7 years, prior to that i was generally melancholic, but in 2014 something happened and I realized my anxiety's and avoidant traits would always inhibit me, and because I probably have dependent traits, it's not a good mix and I was aware that I'm not happy alone, but that I would always sabotage chances with a woman bc of my cowardice. Coming to that conclusion, I became intensely depressed - I delineate these phases of my life by the time I first started having suicidal thoughts.
And seven years later they're maybe stronger than ever. No actionable plan in place, but just a sense of eventually it seems like that's how it'll go. I've grown hopeless and passionless. My heart is so big, I have so much to give, but nobody wants it.
I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far but in the spring I met a girl that was infatuated with me. She has serious mental health issues (bipolar, possibly borderline) and traumas from previous boyfriends (raped 2x), psychologically abused) that kept her from thinking she'd ever find a guy that she'd not only fee safe around, but also wouldn't mind her condition. I have her everything I could- patience, safety, care. But still apparently that was not enough because two days after telling me she wants me to move across the state to be closer to her, that she's sorry that relationships give her anxiety, that she was worried I didn't want to be her boyfriend, she decided that "we don't click" and we haven't spoken since.
Nobody understands why I can't get over her. And I get it - they didn't feel those nearly 4000 days of continuous suicidal ideation that was finally broken. The return of hope, the promise of someone caring about me that I could let my guard down for. How it hurt me knowing how irrational it seems that she thinks there are other guys that will hear her problems, reservations, fundamentally religious ideas, and won't do a 180. How so many will call her damaged and crazy. How they won't see her pain as pain, but baggage, a deal breaker. I know I should be over her, but it finally felt real. I just can't.
I don't know the joys of a healthy sexual relationship, the fun of travel, or even the small pleasures like having inside jokes or traditions with a woman like a favorite restarting. No I just have my mind, broken by loneliness and starved for love and normalcy. So many unrealized passions and desires, so many of them selfless, like to bring joy to my children, to care for my family, to have the energy to do charity work again.
The warmest of hearts is still vulnerable to the brutalities of life. Year after year I could despair about my birthday, knowing another unfulfilling year past out of my limited ones here, and say okay well at least if I hang in there, a year from now it just has to get better. If only I had known, what the future would hold, I'd have left back then.
I've suffered from severe depression for the past 7 years, prior to that i was generally melancholic, but in 2014 something happened and I realized my anxiety's and avoidant traits would always inhibit me, and because I probably have dependent traits, it's not a good mix and I was aware that I'm not happy alone, but that I would always sabotage chances with a woman bc of my cowardice. Coming to that conclusion, I became intensely depressed - I delineate these phases of my life by the time I first started having suicidal thoughts.
And seven years later they're maybe stronger than ever. No actionable plan in place, but just a sense of eventually it seems like that's how it'll go. I've grown hopeless and passionless. My heart is so big, I have so much to give, but nobody wants it.
I honestly didn't think I'd make it this far but in the spring I met a girl that was infatuated with me. She has serious mental health issues (bipolar, possibly borderline) and traumas from previous boyfriends (raped 2x), psychologically abused) that kept her from thinking she'd ever find a guy that she'd not only fee safe around, but also wouldn't mind her condition. I have her everything I could- patience, safety, care. But still apparently that was not enough because two days after telling me she wants me to move across the state to be closer to her, that she's sorry that relationships give her anxiety, that she was worried I didn't want to be her boyfriend, she decided that "we don't click" and we haven't spoken since.
Nobody understands why I can't get over her. And I get it - they didn't feel those nearly 4000 days of continuous suicidal ideation that was finally broken. The return of hope, the promise of someone caring about me that I could let my guard down for. How it hurt me knowing how irrational it seems that she thinks there are other guys that will hear her problems, reservations, fundamentally religious ideas, and won't do a 180. How so many will call her damaged and crazy. How they won't see her pain as pain, but baggage, a deal breaker. I know I should be over her, but it finally felt real. I just can't.
I don't know the joys of a healthy sexual relationship, the fun of travel, or even the small pleasures like having inside jokes or traditions with a woman like a favorite restarting. No I just have my mind, broken by loneliness and starved for love and normalcy. So many unrealized passions and desires, so many of them selfless, like to bring joy to my children, to care for my family, to have the energy to do charity work again.
The warmest of hearts is still vulnerable to the brutalities of life. Year after year I could despair about my birthday, knowing another unfulfilling year past out of my limited ones here, and say okay well at least if I hang in there, a year from now it just has to get better. If only I had known, what the future would hold, I'd have left back then.
