30yrs of failed attempts

[lifeisactualtorture]

I had no idea how hard it would be to ctb! My only regret in life is failing at my first attempt technically over 30 years ago. Life has just gotten so incredibly intolerable. It has been one trauma followed by another for decades ending in now physical pain for over 5 years and the destruction of my life and who I was. I am beyond done and each day I stay things get worse and I am just becoming a monster from all the abuse I am forced to endure. I will find a way trust me! Explaining how bad things are would take too much time and there's no one in this much pain both physical and mental. I'm beyond desperate to get the hell off this dumpster fire of a planet with all its ' horrifying abusers. Every single person in my life betrayed me or hurt me or abused me or fill in whatever horrific word you can handle and I promise I lived it. I didn't survive, I failed to die. I hardly exist and anyone that would want me to stay is cruel. I am honest with the few people left in my life and they actually agree with me because my situation is impossible to escape especially since one of my current cages is my own body. I'll end with a possibly stupid question(s) but can I use sodium nitrate? If not, can I convert it into nitrite? Also, what is an anchor point and why? Lastly what am I looking for precisely outside (something that could hold my weight is a little vague)??

 

[vinlander]

I didn't survive, I failed to die.

wow.. that hit me in ways i couldn't really describe it here.
I am much younger than you, also enduring the same repetitive cycle of pain (even if not as bad as yours) while carrying the burden of a failed partial hanging attempt.
Everyone has their reasons and motives and i can't think of myself waiting no more than 5 years to CTB or even to help a relative/friend in your situation.

but can I use sodium nitrate? If not, can I convert it into nitrite? Also, what is an anchor point and why? Lastly what am I looking for precisely outside (something that could hold my weight is a little vague)??

Yes, you can use SN. There are alot of threads and research on the SN with water method, but if i can guarantee you one thing is that no amount of SN is a confirmed kill, so be careful, but don't try to overdose, otherwise the pain-killers and sedatives included in most method will be of no use.
Here's a little chart i found to give you some perspective, as i can't accurately guess your weight:

what is an anchor point and why? Lastly what am I looking for precisely outside (something that could hold my weight is a little vague)??

Idk if you are referring to a specific term called ''anchor point'' as i'm a bit new on this topic, even if i attempted it earlier, so i'll try not to say much about it.
Now for the second question; medium sized trees, ceiling joists/beams, wall studs, metal railings, exposed pipes or even wall hooks designed for hanging plants, hammocks, etc might do the job

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered so much in this cruel existence, it's just so dreadful and horrible to me how people suffer so unbearably all through no fault of their own, I personally really wish it's straightforward to just painlessly die. But anyway I hope you find peace eventually.

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

wow.. that hit me in ways i couldn't really describe it here.
I am much younger than you, also enduring the same repetitive cycle of pain (even if not as bad as yours) while carrying the burden of a failed partial hanging attempt.
Everyone has their reasons and motives and i can't think of myself waiting no more than 5 years to CTB or even to help a relative/friend in your situation.



Yes, you can use SN. There are alot of threads and research on the SN with water method, but if i can guarantee you one thing is that no amount of SN is a confirmed kill, so be careful, but don't try to overdose, otherwise the pain-killers and sedatives included in most method will be of no use.
Here's a little chart i found to give you some perspective, as i can't accurately guess your weight:
View attachment 149054


Idk if you are referring to a specific term called ''anchor point'' as i'm a bit new on this topic, even if i attempted it earlier, so i'll try not to say much about it.
Now for the second question; medium sized trees, ceiling joists/beams, wall studs, metal railings, exposed pipes or even wall hooks designed for hanging plants, hammocks, etc might do the job

Thank you so much @vinlander !!!!! Xoxo

 

[PinballWizard39]

I can so relate. Today is the 24th anniversary of the day I first tried to kill myself (I say first, it was the first that I got found out on). I've been through years of abuse and pain and many other CTB attempts. I didn't realise it was the anniversary until I realised how serious I was about CTB today and then the dates just set off memories. I honestly don't know if I will do it today, but I'm prepped incase. Wishing you peace.

 

[WearyWanderer]

I feel similar as far as physical pain and limitations except no one around me even agrees or believes me Existence is too terrifying

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

I feel similar as far as physical pain and limitations except no one around me even agrees or believes me Existence is too terrifying

Me neither but idc - I'm just done w existence - living is def scarier than dying - that's for sure! I got a few things I need, just a few more since the calculations and grocery list are daunting.

 

[vinlander]

Thank you so much @vinlander !!!!! Xoxo

Np! about the anchor point stuff you mentioned: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...pension-hanging-using-only-a-dumbbell.176344/

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

@vinlander Thank you! I had read things about this method but there were a few specifics left out. That article was very helpful thank you! My last idea didn't pan out - apparently my decrepit body has a ridiculous ability to literally beat the odds. I'm honestly finding this way more time consuming than I thought and the worse my health gets, the less options become available to me.

 

[vinlander]

@vinlander Thank you! I had read things about this method but there were a few specifics left out. That article was very helpful thank you! My last idea didn't pan out - apparently my decrepit body has a ridiculous ability to literally beat the odds. I'm honestly finding this way more time consuming than I thought and the worse my health gets, the less options become available to me.

Oh i see. I hope everything goes well for you! you may recover and find a reliable way to find peace soon!

 

[nasigoreng99]

I had no idea how hard it would be to ctb! My only regret in life is failing at my first attempt technically over 30 years ago. Life has just gotten so incredibly intolerable. It has been one trauma followed by another for decades ending in now physical pain for over 5 years and the destruction of my life and who I was. I am beyond done and each day I stay things get worse and I am just becoming a monster from all the abuse I am forced to endure. I will find a way trust me! Explaining how bad things are would take too much time and there's no one in this much pain both physical and mental. I'm beyond desperate to get the hell off this dumpster fire of a planet with all its ' horrifying abusers. Every single person in my life betrayed me or hurt me or abused me or fill in whatever horrific word you can handle and I promise I lived it. I didn't survive, I failed to die. I hardly exist and anyone that would want me to stay is cruel. I am honest with the few people left in my life and they actually agree with me because my situation is impossible to escape especially since one of my current cages is my own body. I'll end with a possibly stupid question(s) but can I use sodium nitrate? If not, can I convert it into nitrite? Also, what is an anchor point and why? Lastly what am I looking for precisely outside (something that could hold my weight is a little vague)??

I sorry you have to suffer for too long. I will attach a link to SN (sodium nitrite). And there are many resources regarding to SN as well here.

SN Bible Sodium Nitrite Method (Comprehensive Guide SN Method)

Sodium Nitrite (SN) Method Introduction This document is a compilation of different sn information, members inputs, important posts related to sn, recorded suicide cases related to sn, different research on sn and so on. This document also give a full understanding of SN, what it is, how it...

sanctioned-suicide.net

I hope you will find your peace soon my friend