30f autistic female

[MorningDove]

I spent all my childhood in my own mind, playing video games, playing pretend, anxious about OCD thoughts and that manifested in panic attacks and sometimes aggression. In highschool I had friends all of a sudden. In college I was depressed because I truly had no idea what to do. I was gripped by a terror.

The terror went away around when I met my boyfriend. For 4 years I deluded myself into believing I could go into this niche career with so much socialization required. But for at least 3 years, I felt so free of the terror. I could live and play pretend house, dreaming of a future that would never come. Would we own a dog when we married? What would we do when we took a trip to Japan?

And now its becoming clearer that this career is not a good fit for me. Maybe no career is a good fit for me. And my boyfriend is anxious as I have been on voluntary hold already. He wants a house and maybe some healthy children that I can't give to him due to my genes. He hasn't broken up with me yet, but we have planned on moving soon.

And I kind of want to end it here, in this apartment while he's out at work and I can set up a sign to call the police, instead of subjecting my parents to the horror of it all somewhere down the line.

I don't want to go back to inpatient. They don't understand just how fucked up it is to be autistic, to miss everythinng socially. To be so alone.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I'm sorry. Autism sucks so bad. No help or understanding from the mental health field.

I wonder if there is a career that is a better fit for you. If your current one involves a lot of socialization, that sounds like hell.

 

[derpyderpins]

I spent all my childhood in my own mind, playing video games, playing pretend, anxious about OCD thoughts and that manifested in panic attacks and sometimes aggression. In highschool I had friends all of a sudden. In college I was depressed because I truly had no idea what to do. I was gripped by a terror.

The terror went away around when I met my boyfriend. For 4 years I deluded myself into believing I could go into this niche career with so much socialization required. But for at least 3 years, I felt so free of the terror. I could live and play pretend house, dreaming of a future that would never come. Would we own a dog when we married? What would we do when we took a trip to Japan?

And now its becoming clearer that this career is not a good fit for me. Maybe no career is a good fit for me. And my boyfriend is anxious as I have been on voluntary hold already. He wants a house and maybe some healthy children that I can't give to him due to my genes. He hasn't broken up with me yet, but we have planned on moving soon.

And I kind of want to end it here, in this apartment while he's out at work and I can set up a sign to call the police, instead of subjecting my parents to the horror of it all somewhere down the line.

I don't want to go back to inpatient. They don't understand just how fucked up it is to be autistic, to miss everythinng socially. To be so alone.

I'm so sorry for your struggles. Life is already hard and you managed to get so far even with autism... If you decide to end it I hope it is as peaceful as possible, but please know that to me your life sounds like a success. I've never made it 4 years at one job lol I always break down from anxiety and boredom and need a change.

 

[persimmon]

cute username
I'm not sure there's such thing as an autistic female

When your username and avatar are that of a femicidal incel spree killer your doubts regarding neurodiversity in women may be seen as lacking credibility.