Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Good evening to all, here are the last concluding comments I will write for this experiment.
Here are to begin, other thread I made on the subject if you want to make links:
-Death Diary: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-diary.94274/
-Concludings Comments #1: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/1-month-of-death-diary-concluding-comments-1.96301/
-Concludings Comments #2: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/2-months-of-death-diary-concluding-comments-2.98867/
-Discussing Death: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...our-anxiety-repost-because-of-an-error.91180/
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I'm going to take the four questions I use as a scale. If I had to give my definitive answer to each of them today, I would say:
1) "Do you really want to die?" - Yes, 100% sure, and I believe in what I'm saying here
2) "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" - No, never
3) "Are you afraid of ctb?" - No and not even in failing because I want to stay focused on the fact that everything will be ok
4) "Do you feel able to do it?" - Yes
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I think (from my own experience) that the survival instinct is no longer an obstacle when you answer Yes to question 1) and No to question 2) that I wrote above.
These questions now seem to me to be the pillars that determine where I locate the danger. And in my eyes, the danger is to live, so I feel that SI is stronger when I think of everything I have to do to fit back into society than when I think of ctb.
I also find, and if I can give feedback, that feeling ready is not something you can really assess or determine in advance. In my case, my problems are things of the past, which haunt me daily and therefore, I don't have an intense oppression and which concerns daily difficulties as others can have (some lose their housing at this moment, divorce), it is not my case and I don't feel oppressed by the daily life.
In my case, my preparation was long because it required me to put myself in a state of mind that makes me realise that happiness is illusory, that I will never accept the past and that my suffering, even if it is insidious, seems unbearable to me to endure in time.
Others will indeed be ready in 2 weeks because they are faced with a divorce, a redundancy, because they have been diagnosed with an illness and so on.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
As a recall, here is the scale I used to assess my mood daily:
Suicidal thoughts Scale (0-4 without scenario) (5-10 with scenario):
0 - No desire to ctb
1 - Mild reactionary thoughts, moving on is easy
2 - Strong presence but thinking otherwise is still possible
3 - Strong presence and discomfort, thinking otherwise is difficult
4 - Impactful presence with rationalization of intentions
5 - Impactful presence, rationalized and scripted
6 - Impactful presence, rationalized, scripted, affecting mood, pleasure in activities and social relationships
7 - Constant, streamlined presence, associated with isolation and inner withdrawal
8 - Established planning, rationalized, great discomfort, and detachment from oneself and the environment
9 - Powerful desire, emotional emptiness, powerlessness and feelings of paralysis
10 - Sudden good mood, absolute acceptance of ctb, very close or imminent act
11 - Acting out in progress*
The red line represent the limit between suicidal thoughts with (over 5) or without (under 5) a scenario.
Then, here is a graph summarizing these last 3 months of self-evaluation. What I notice and find interesting is that only twice did my score fall below 5, but this was due to a total denial of everything, when I told myself that life was great before I realised that this was due to a fear of death I had.
Overall, the average seems to be around 7 or 8 and towards the end we can see a growing tendency to stay more towards the 10 than the centre.
I know I'm not teaching anyone anything, but what is interesting is the fluctuations that can be observed within a crisis.
Obviously, these fluctuations can explain the time it took me to be definitively decided, and the fluctuations are also due to the arguments I had at certain times and which could have made me go up to 10. At other times I drank alcohol and saw friends. This had the effect of temporarily abolishing the escalation (moments when I suddenly find myself at 5, 6, before climbing again). And finally, these fluctuations can also be explained by the fact that I am bipolar and my moods change completely, so this graph does not represent the reality of what a suicidal crisis is for any human being, but only and primarily for me.
I can also note the times when I was ready to do it but impulsively, or I knew I didn't really feel capable, but because I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to do it. These impulsive moments I will talk about below.
Finally, depression also contributed to these fluctuating moments.
Maybe for some people the crisis is just an inexorable escalation towards an 11/10, but for me it showed me that the suicidal crisis can be accompanied by moments when everything is fine and I hope that it can reassure some people that going well and going badly seem to be part of something normal when we are in pain.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
1) Overall findings
-No two crises are alike
-To me, the impulsive act is different from the calmly planned act and I think that success depends on these factors
-Accumulated emotion and not talking about our torments is what makes the crisis grow
-The crisis is modulated by the environment and by mitigating or precipitating factors
-The crisis seems to me to unfold in 3 stages: a) Ideation (I think about it but I don't consider anything) / b) Determination (I consider a scenario, I suffer but superficial preparation) / c) Crystallization (everything is ready and nothing will change my mind)
-The survival instinct is oriented towards what the individual considers to be the danger
-The survival instinct is permanent, seems to be modulated by the history of our species and seems to be modulable (with difficulty)
-What seems to determine the suffering in the crisis is the feeling that one does not belong or no longer belongs to something (to a group, to society, to a family, to the human species)
-The crisis has repercussions on biological and psychological functioning
-The crisis alters cerebral skills (memorization, speed, attention)
-The crisis exacerbates personality traits (I felt more paranoid and unstable than when I wasn't in it years ago)
-To finish with this point, I'd like to quote @brokensea who believes that : "When you're really ready to take the next step":
1. You stop caring enough about any family and friends and how sad they will be or what will happen to them when you're gone.
2. You have to get over any fears of the process of dying and the afterlife.
3. You have to have no hope for the future or that things will ever get better. Not a drop of hope.
4. You have to get over the mental and biological survival instinct your body has."
But I also think that:
5. You have to feel capable of doing it
6. You have to be isolated enough to consider yourself alone in your destiny (and not have any parasitic elements that bring you back to reality)
2) Advices
/!\ I'm not encouraging anyone here, It's only the advices I would've I said to the past me. So, never feel like I want you to do what I'm describing here /!\
-The fear of death is only due to the (meagre and only medical) knowledge we have of the concept, the images we have associated with the word in our lives and the philosophical, spiritual and subjective unknown that it represents. But if we didn't know what the word meant, would we still be afraid of it? Imagine not knowing what it is.
-The fear to act can be alleviated by simulating it, by imagining it, by doing the actions of the act. And this allows the body to react differently to this ritual if the simulation is repeated. Obviously, this simulation must be repeated so as not to create a new phobia and this exposure must be done until the anxiety has disappeared.
-Fear of death can be alleviated by simulating our death (starting to close our eyes and saying to ourselves "What if I never wake up from this"), this simulation must obviously be repeated so as not to create a new phobia and this exposure must be done until the anxiety has disappeared.
-Telling ourselves that people before us have suffered from death can be a way of reducing anxiety
-Telling ourselves that death is inevitable and that it is the finality that awaits all human beings is also a way to reduce anxiety
-Telling ourselves that many people before us have gone through it without having any choice can be a way to accept the inevitability and to stop feeling anxious
-Reason, serenity and fatalism must take precedence over emotion
-To control an anxiety that is not at all manageable, it is possible to perform cardiac coherence:
a - you breathe in and count to 3 (at a rate of one digit per second), so you breathe in slowly and count 1, 2, 3
b - you hold the air for 3 seconds
c - you exhale the air counting for 3 seconds, so you blow out and count 1, 2, 3
--> You repeat these steps for 5 minutes and, by calming the breath, the heart calms down and the heart by calming down reduces the anxiety. This is the 3 3 rule
-If you have a fear, an inner tension, take it head on, jump into it, don't run away from it because it will get stronger. By jumping into it, you are dealing with it and accepting it.
-Accepting our condition is a form of deliverance, as it is something normal and as @HermitLonerGuy practices on himself "this is normal to feel this way ., It's okay , when the time comes I will be ready and I'll do it."
-Use the 4 questions (see below) to test yourself and see where you stand
a - "Do you really want to die?" -
b - "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" -
c - "Are you afraid of ctb?" -
d - "Do you feel able to do it?" -
-Be cautious of impulsive actions that are due to excess, especially if they mask unfinished preparation.
-Do not regret your choice
-Using anxiolytics and hypnotics drugs to modulate the biochemical activation of the survival instinct
-Try to be sufficiently tired, to sleep little so that falling asleep is quicker and the waiting time before succumbing is less long to reduce the risk of panic.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So, this experiment has been completed, I am satisfied.
Thank you for reading, I hope this will be of some use.
I'm going to spend the next few days enjoying it as best I can, and when the time comes, I'll let you know.
I love you all
Here are to begin, other thread I made on the subject if you want to make links:
-Death Diary: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-diary.94274/
-Concludings Comments #1: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/1-month-of-death-diary-concluding-comments-1.96301/
-Concludings Comments #2: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/2-months-of-death-diary-concluding-comments-2.98867/
-Discussing Death: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...our-anxiety-repost-because-of-an-error.91180/
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MONTHLY UPDATE
I'm going to take the four questions I use as a scale. If I had to give my definitive answer to each of them today, I would say:
1) "Do you really want to die?" - Yes, 100% sure, and I believe in what I'm saying here
2) "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" - No, never
3) "Are you afraid of ctb?" - No and not even in failing because I want to stay focused on the fact that everything will be ok
4) "Do you feel able to do it?" - Yes
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
ANALYSIS OF THE PREPARATION PROCESS
I think (from my own experience) that the survival instinct is no longer an obstacle when you answer Yes to question 1) and No to question 2) that I wrote above.
These questions now seem to me to be the pillars that determine where I locate the danger. And in my eyes, the danger is to live, so I feel that SI is stronger when I think of everything I have to do to fit back into society than when I think of ctb.
I also find, and if I can give feedback, that feeling ready is not something you can really assess or determine in advance. In my case, my problems are things of the past, which haunt me daily and therefore, I don't have an intense oppression and which concerns daily difficulties as others can have (some lose their housing at this moment, divorce), it is not my case and I don't feel oppressed by the daily life.
In my case, my preparation was long because it required me to put myself in a state of mind that makes me realise that happiness is illusory, that I will never accept the past and that my suffering, even if it is insidious, seems unbearable to me to endure in time.
Others will indeed be ready in 2 weeks because they are faced with a divorce, a redundancy, because they have been diagnosed with an illness and so on.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
RESULTS IN RELATION TO THE EVALUATION SCALE
As a recall, here is the scale I used to assess my mood daily:
Suicidal thoughts Scale (0-4 without scenario) (5-10 with scenario):
0 - No desire to ctb
1 - Mild reactionary thoughts, moving on is easy
2 - Strong presence but thinking otherwise is still possible
3 - Strong presence and discomfort, thinking otherwise is difficult
4 - Impactful presence with rationalization of intentions
5 - Impactful presence, rationalized and scripted
6 - Impactful presence, rationalized, scripted, affecting mood, pleasure in activities and social relationships
7 - Constant, streamlined presence, associated with isolation and inner withdrawal
8 - Established planning, rationalized, great discomfort, and detachment from oneself and the environment
9 - Powerful desire, emotional emptiness, powerlessness and feelings of paralysis
10 - Sudden good mood, absolute acceptance of ctb, very close or imminent act
11 - Acting out in progress*
The red line represent the limit between suicidal thoughts with (over 5) or without (under 5) a scenario.
Then, here is a graph summarizing these last 3 months of self-evaluation. What I notice and find interesting is that only twice did my score fall below 5, but this was due to a total denial of everything, when I told myself that life was great before I realised that this was due to a fear of death I had.
Overall, the average seems to be around 7 or 8 and towards the end we can see a growing tendency to stay more towards the 10 than the centre.
I know I'm not teaching anyone anything, but what is interesting is the fluctuations that can be observed within a crisis.
Obviously, these fluctuations can explain the time it took me to be definitively decided, and the fluctuations are also due to the arguments I had at certain times and which could have made me go up to 10. At other times I drank alcohol and saw friends. This had the effect of temporarily abolishing the escalation (moments when I suddenly find myself at 5, 6, before climbing again). And finally, these fluctuations can also be explained by the fact that I am bipolar and my moods change completely, so this graph does not represent the reality of what a suicidal crisis is for any human being, but only and primarily for me.
I can also note the times when I was ready to do it but impulsively, or I knew I didn't really feel capable, but because I couldn't take it anymore, I wanted to do it. These impulsive moments I will talk about below.
Finally, depression also contributed to these fluctuating moments.
Maybe for some people the crisis is just an inexorable escalation towards an 11/10, but for me it showed me that the suicidal crisis can be accompanied by moments when everything is fine and I hope that it can reassure some people that going well and going badly seem to be part of something normal when we are in pain.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SOME METHODS AND ANALYSES THAT HELPED ME A LOT
1) Overall findings
-No two crises are alike
-To me, the impulsive act is different from the calmly planned act and I think that success depends on these factors
-Accumulated emotion and not talking about our torments is what makes the crisis grow
-The crisis is modulated by the environment and by mitigating or precipitating factors
-The crisis seems to me to unfold in 3 stages: a) Ideation (I think about it but I don't consider anything) / b) Determination (I consider a scenario, I suffer but superficial preparation) / c) Crystallization (everything is ready and nothing will change my mind)
-The survival instinct is oriented towards what the individual considers to be the danger
-The survival instinct is permanent, seems to be modulated by the history of our species and seems to be modulable (with difficulty)
-What seems to determine the suffering in the crisis is the feeling that one does not belong or no longer belongs to something (to a group, to society, to a family, to the human species)
-The crisis has repercussions on biological and psychological functioning
-The crisis alters cerebral skills (memorization, speed, attention)
-The crisis exacerbates personality traits (I felt more paranoid and unstable than when I wasn't in it years ago)
-To finish with this point, I'd like to quote @brokensea who believes that : "When you're really ready to take the next step":
1. You stop caring enough about any family and friends and how sad they will be or what will happen to them when you're gone.
2. You have to get over any fears of the process of dying and the afterlife.
3. You have to have no hope for the future or that things will ever get better. Not a drop of hope.
4. You have to get over the mental and biological survival instinct your body has."
But I also think that:
5. You have to feel capable of doing it
6. You have to be isolated enough to consider yourself alone in your destiny (and not have any parasitic elements that bring you back to reality)
2) Advices
/!\ I'm not encouraging anyone here, It's only the advices I would've I said to the past me. So, never feel like I want you to do what I'm describing here /!\
-The fear of death is only due to the (meagre and only medical) knowledge we have of the concept, the images we have associated with the word in our lives and the philosophical, spiritual and subjective unknown that it represents. But if we didn't know what the word meant, would we still be afraid of it? Imagine not knowing what it is.
-The fear to act can be alleviated by simulating it, by imagining it, by doing the actions of the act. And this allows the body to react differently to this ritual if the simulation is repeated. Obviously, this simulation must be repeated so as not to create a new phobia and this exposure must be done until the anxiety has disappeared.
-Fear of death can be alleviated by simulating our death (starting to close our eyes and saying to ourselves "What if I never wake up from this"), this simulation must obviously be repeated so as not to create a new phobia and this exposure must be done until the anxiety has disappeared.
-Telling ourselves that people before us have suffered from death can be a way of reducing anxiety
-Telling ourselves that death is inevitable and that it is the finality that awaits all human beings is also a way to reduce anxiety
-Telling ourselves that many people before us have gone through it without having any choice can be a way to accept the inevitability and to stop feeling anxious
-Reason, serenity and fatalism must take precedence over emotion
-To control an anxiety that is not at all manageable, it is possible to perform cardiac coherence:
a - you breathe in and count to 3 (at a rate of one digit per second), so you breathe in slowly and count 1, 2, 3
b - you hold the air for 3 seconds
c - you exhale the air counting for 3 seconds, so you blow out and count 1, 2, 3
--> You repeat these steps for 5 minutes and, by calming the breath, the heart calms down and the heart by calming down reduces the anxiety. This is the 3 3 rule
-If you have a fear, an inner tension, take it head on, jump into it, don't run away from it because it will get stronger. By jumping into it, you are dealing with it and accepting it.
-Accepting our condition is a form of deliverance, as it is something normal and as @HermitLonerGuy practices on himself "this is normal to feel this way ., It's okay , when the time comes I will be ready and I'll do it."
-Use the 4 questions (see below) to test yourself and see where you stand
a - "Do you really want to die?" -
b - "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" -
c - "Are you afraid of ctb?" -
d - "Do you feel able to do it?" -
-Be cautious of impulsive actions that are due to excess, especially if they mask unfinished preparation.
-Do not regret your choice
-Using anxiolytics and hypnotics drugs to modulate the biochemical activation of the survival instinct
-Try to be sufficiently tired, to sleep little so that falling asleep is quicker and the waiting time before succumbing is less long to reduce the risk of panic.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
So, this experiment has been completed, I am satisfied.
Thank you for reading, I hope this will be of some use.
I'm going to spend the next few days enjoying it as best I can, and when the time comes, I'll let you know.
I love you all
