Story (20M) I don't deserve to live, AT ALL. (Reasons why included)

[thatworthlessmale04]

I was pretty much doomed ever since I was conceived. I caused both of my parents to marry each other when I was six months in the womb, just so I won't come into the world as a "bastard baby", as my mother puts it. When, almost 21 years later, it turns out that I am indeed still a bastard baby in other terms. In all honesty, I'm planning on dying by the time I'm 23. I feel like that's the right age to do it at; I don't feel that now is the time to do it.

Things have been happening since my birth that is leading up to me doing the CTB method of full-suspension hanging:

1. My father left the family when I was a toddler, and him and my mother are still legally married even though they've not been together after all this time. The marriage is done in domestic terms, but not in legal terms if that makes any sense. On their way to the courthouse to get married, my mother caught a flat tire, which she believes was a warning sign from God not to do it. But she went through with it anyways, only for me. Ever since they separated, she has sent him divorce papers to sign, but he wouldn't do it, even to this day. In turn, my father wasn't active in my upbringing, so in turn, I grew up without any stable male figures (more on that in point #3). Which in turn, leads me to make some really dumb decisions as a male, even today. In turn, he still owes back child support, and it's somewhere in the thousands. It accumulated after him and my mother separated when I was a toddler.

2. I believe it's time for me to mention, I am African-American. I feel like my race has a stigma surrounding us having a large population of males who grew up fatherless, or who didn't know who their dads were. All of my uncles have daddy issues. And all of them didn't grow up in the house with their dads, and only saw their dads sporadically. My father's father was a wife-beater, and he left the family when my father was only 8. He didn't see him again until he was 18, and then the next time in his late twenties. Even my grandmother said that when she visited courthouses, the majority of men who were in there because they owed back child support were black. Which hurts to say the least.

3. As I've mentioned, I grew up with no male figures. My grandfather is a self-pitying man, my uncles all are weak men due to them not having strong male figures themselves, the man that was living with my mother turned out to be a liar and a manipulator, but he helped toughen me up some what when she brought him in when I was 15 years old due to me having horrific attitudes with her.

4. I don't have any siblings (only child situation) nor do I have friends in real life, or online to relate to about my situation. The rest of the people I mentioned above have siblings from their dads who they can relate to about their daddy issues; meanwhile I don't, and therefore I am all alone in my situation. It really does suck, and it makes me believe that I really do deserve to die at a young age.

5. I grew up relatively sheltered, which has impeded my social skills. I exhibited signs of autism before, but I never actually got properly tested for it, so I don't know for sure if I have it or not. But a lot of people get annoyed with me easily, due to some of the antics I do.

I'm planning on sticking out until 2027 (age 23), which is the year I will attempt to go on to glory. But it's been getting harder and harder every single day. Back in June, my grandmother got extremely fed up with the attitudes I've been having towards my mother, since that one specific night I denied a hug from her. And she went slam off on me for the first ever time in my life. She even said swear words. That gave me a wake-up call to how shitty of a person I am. I believe my mother should have just aborted me while she still had the chance. On the days I'm off work, I sleep pretty much all day long, just to simulate what it would be like to be dead. And it's been working, albeit it's been making me feel even more empty inside. I deserve it, however, for the major scumbag I am.

I don't deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be her son. I don't deserve all the sacrifices she's made for me as a single mother. I don't deserve to be prayed for by her every day. I don't deserve anything from her.

2004-2027 wouldn't look so bad on a gravestone. I might just write in my will to get cremated however. I haven't gotten to that part of my planning stage yet. Patience is key!

 

[timf]

You have done a pretty good job describing the current against which you have had to swim. A black commentator Thomas Sowell has some interesting videos on Youtube that describe how black families were significantly harmed by the social welfare programs that were supposed to help them.

What is being exposed is the degree our character is shaped by the culture in which we live. Integration allowed capable blacks to abandon their communities for suburbia similar to whites with abilities abandoning rural areas like Appalachia. Those of us left behind do not have a healthy culture to help us develop healthy character.

As a result we as individuals resist the slide into a life of drugs and fornication, or we capitulate and become like the weak men you have observed. The weak / strong men contrast I saw illustrated once when Richard Prior described Jim Brown confronting him about his drug use.

Both white and black cultures seem to be spiraling downward into lives of indulgence and other self-destructive paths. Ironically those in suburbia often also find that they are not immune to what they thought they were leaving behind.

It is possible to escape and develop an immunity to a destructive culture. Many use a Christian approach to survive. However, it is possible to use a philosophy like Marcus Aurelius who was a stoic. Although his son was a disappointment.

I can understand how being immersed in the self-indulgent culture of today can make things seem hopeless. However, it is possible to develop character and strength to build a life that transcends what seems hopeless.

 

[gogoprince]

You deserve not only your mother's love, but love in general. You're not a mistake and I'm glad you're here. Thank you for honoring us with your vulnerability sharing your deepest and rawest emotions.

I too assumed I was a mistake my whole life, but in reality we are merely made to feel like mistakes. All human life is precious and you could never do anything, or be anything that would make that untrue.

You have done a pretty good job describing the current against which you have had to swim. A black commentator Thomas Sowell has some interesting videos on Youtube that describe how black families were significantly harmed by the social welfare programs that were supposed to help them.

This comment is full of ignorance masquerading as intelligence. There are studies that suggest that black fathers are, in fact, more involved in their children's lives than white fathers. Black families have historically been the last to be hired, first to be fired, and continue to be discriminated against in criminal justice, housing, the medical system, etc. Social welfare programs, and the people who rely on them because of this systematic discrimination, are made scapegoats during times of economic or cultural crises so that the wealthy may pit the middle class against the working class, white against black, native vs. immigrant, etc.

 

[CatLvr]

I was a single mom. The kids never met their dad -- we were married but he left after our last child was born and the older children weren't even old enough for grade school yet. Anyway, I can tell you, without a shadow of a doubt that your mom would tell you:


You DO deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. You DO deserve her love. You DO deserve to be her son. You DO deserve all the sacrifices she's made for you as a single mother. You DO deserve to be prayed for by her every day. You DO deserve anything she freely gives you.

Giving yourself 2 years before you ctb is a wise move on your part. It shows smarts. It shows you aren't just thinking about yourself. It shows you are well-grounded and not impulsive. Your mom has done a good job with you.

Might I suggest that you make two plans for the next 24 months. One in which you indulge your every whim and end the time by ctb. The other where you figure out what you enjoy doing and work on an education towards the goal of a job in your area of interest. Every day of the next 24 months tell your mom you love her and you want to be a man she can be proud of. Don't let yourself be lazy more than one day a week. We all need some downtime, but too much makes us complacent and allows us to think less of ourselves. Not good.

Ok, now that you have your two plans worked out, ask yourself which one do you REALLY want people to remember you as -- the lazy bum who did nothing but hurt his mom or the kid who tried as hard as he could and loved his mom?? And also ask yourself what harm is it to be the best version of yourself you can be if you are gonna crb in 2027 anyway?? At least your mom will be able to take comfort in the fact that you were a good man, who loved her and told her so, every single day of what little life he had left. Who knows?? You might actually like that version of yourself enough that you hang around a few years longer. Stranger things have happened, you know.

 

[purelydaft]

What is a weak man like in your mind?

 

[BreakBone2BreakBond]

It's a Sick world that makes one of the most sensitive, self-conscious and articulate Afro-American young men be made to feel that he's unworthy

 

[JustHere1]

Doesn't matter where exactly it comes from, but please give yourself extra compassion. You're only here for as long as you're here. You can't wait for people to change, but you can commit to change for yourself.

If you decide to live longer, try to give yourself joy and remove that which doesn't give joy, such as people you don't want hindering you. If you've received gifts, don't let grease from the factory linger on them, because they aren't there anymore. If you decide to CTB, don't worry about others, just do what you feel like you need. You aren't your sex, your gender, or even your body or past experiences. What you take in, you consume like oxygen, so if you want to breathe freely, take in what you actually need, not what people think you need.

Rooting for you.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I don't understand why you don't deserve to live, it doesn't make any sense. All of this is not your fault, things happen out of our hands, it doesn't mean death is the answer. It really isn't. You are 20 years old

Shit dad's are common, even in the white community. My dad wasn't around either, and if he had, my life too would have been very different. Even girls need their dads, not just boys. Everyone needs a role model, but yes, boys need guidance on how to become a man. But don't let that put you off, you can guide yourself, it just takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are incredibly young, and still learning about yourself and the world.

I am 35 years old. I have tried to kill myself countless times. I have had suicidal ideation since I was a child. I always thought suicide would be my end (since childhood) until recently.

I have had so much trauma in my life from birth, but since the latest load of trauma in the last year or so, I have started to get better in the last few months, but the biggest changes have been the last few weeks. I honesty never, ever thought I would. Thought I'd be like this forever. Nope. It is weird how things are shifting, but that's because I am working hard at it, and I have been for a long time. Trauma takes time to overcome

I haven't got either of my parents. They are both shit, and I haven't got any family. I have one friend that I see once a year, because they live hundreds of miles away. What I'm trying to say is things CAN get better. I didn't think they possibly could.

All the trauma I had fucked me up so much, I ended up making really bad life choices, but I have always been a good person, we all make bad choices in life. I had no one to guide me. I grew up in a very abusive household, won't go into it, but I'm trying to show you, if I can get better, YOU can. It has taken me absolutely years, but that is merely because when I was younger, there wasn't anyone to guide me. Only myself. I've had a lot of therapy, but it isn't the therapy that has mostly done this, it's ME. I've taught myself things - how to cope etc. Therapy just made me worse tbh, it did help a bit, but not much if I look back.

Your teens and 20s are the hardest years of your life, because you are finding yourself, learning about life and who you are. Some don't find themselves until their 30s, 40s, 50s and that's ok. I'm just finding myself now and I'm 35! I thought I knew who I was.. turns out not, I had to to through crap again to realise I deserve better than to be treated that way. I was a recluse until recently.

Some really horrific shit happened to me and I went from being more extroverted to massively introverted for over a decade, I could barely go out. Whereas now, I go out almost every single day, so things are shifting massively.

I am having to restart my life again at 35 and that's ok, sometimes we have to. But sometimes things also happen for a reason (I don't mean child abuse or anything like that before someone jumps down my throat). Sometimes we have to go through shit to find our TRUE selves. It takes time to learn, and grow - that isn't going to happen at the tender age of TWENTY. You was a teenager only a couple of years ago.

You are still growing and changing, and you will continue to grow as you get older, we all change. I am not the person I was at 20, which is a relief. I was a very traumatised person doing stupid self destructive shit, now I am the opposite. I honestly thought I knew everything back then, nope, I didn't know anything.

It would be so helpful to you to allow yourself some time to heal. Trust me, it CAN happen. You owe it to yourself to at least try. I will say it again, your 20s are the hardest and that's without any trauma.

A friend that is no longer with us said to me when I was in my late 20s, "your 30s will be the best years of your life" - and she was RIGHT. Stick around, you don't know what's around the corner. Another minute, another hour, another day. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

All the best

 

[J&L383]

I don't understand why you don't deserve to live, it doesn't make any sense. All of this is not your fault, things happen out of our hands, it doesn't mean death is the answer. It really isn't. You are 20 years old

Shit dad's are common, even in the white community. My dad wasn't around either, and if he had, my life too would have been very different. Even girls need their dads, not just boys. Everyone needs a role model, but yes, boys need guidance on how to become a man. But don't let that put you off, you can guide yourself, it just takes time. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are incredibly young, and still learning about yourself and the world.

I am 35 years old. I have tried to kill myself countless times. I have had suicidal ideation since I was a child. I always thought suicide would be my end (since childhood) until recently.

I have had so much trauma in my life from birth, but since the latest load of trauma in the last year or so, I have started to get better in the last few months, but the biggest changes have been the last few weeks. I honesty never, ever thought I would. Thought I'd be like this forever. Nope. It is weird how things are shifting, but that's because I am working hard at it, and I have been for a long time. Trauma takes time to overcome

I haven't got either of my parents. They are both shit, and I haven't got any family. I have one friend that I see once a year, because they live hundreds of miles away. What I'm trying to say is things CAN get better. I didn't think they possibly could.

All the trauma I had fucked me up so much, I ended up making really bad life choices, but I have always been a good person, we all make bad choices in life. I had no one to guide me. I grew up in a very abusive household, won't go into it, but I'm trying to show you, if I can get better, YOU can. It has taken me absolutely years, but that is merely because when I was younger, there wasn't anyone to guide me. Only myself. I've had a lot of therapy, but it isn't the therapy that has mostly done this, it's ME. I've taught myself things - how to cope etc. Therapy just made me worse tbh, it did help a bit, but not much if I look back.

Your teens and 20s are the hardest years of your life, because you are finding yourself, learning about life and who you are. Some don't find themselves until their 30s, 40s, 50s and that's ok. I'm just finding myself now and I'm 35! I thought I knew who I was.. turns out not, I had to to through crap again to realise I deserve better than to be treated that way. I was a recluse until recently.

Some really horrific shit happened to me and I went from being more extroverted to massively introverted for over a decade, I could barely go out. Whereas now, I go out almost every single day, so things are shifting massively.

I am having to restart my life again at 35 and that's ok, sometimes we have to. But sometimes things also happen for a reason (I don't mean child abuse or anything like that before someone jumps down my throat). Sometimes we have to go through shit to find our TRUE selves. It takes time to learn, and grow - that isn't going to happen at the tender age of TWENTY. You was a teenager only a couple of years ago.

You are still growing and changing, and you will continue to grow as you get older, we all change. I am not the person I was at 20, which is a relief. I was a very traumatised person doing stupid self destructive shit, now I am the opposite. I honestly thought I knew everything back then, nope, I didn't know anything.

It would be so helpful to you to allow yourself some time to heal. Trust me, it CAN happen. You owe it to yourself to at least try. I will say it again, your 20s are the hardest and that's without any trauma.

A friend that is no longer with us said to me when I was in my late 20s, "your 30s will be the best years of your life" - and she was RIGHT. Stick around, you don't know what's around the corner. Another minute, another hour, another day. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

All the best

I'm glad you are (finally) finding yourself, and 35 is still so very young! Some people never find themselves.

 

[wanttodie]

me to I don't deserve to live,

 

[extremelytired1]

I was pretty much doomed ever since I was conceived. I caused both of my parents to marry each other when I was six months in the womb, just so I won't come into the world as a "bastard baby", as my mother puts it. When, almost 21 years later, it turns out that I am indeed still a bastard baby in other terms. In all honesty, I'm planning on dying by the time I'm 23. I feel like that's the right age to do it at; I don't feel that now is the time to do it.

Things have been happening since my birth that is leading up to me doing the CTB method of full-suspension hanging:

1. My father left the family when I was a toddler, and him and my mother are still legally married even though they've not been together after all this time. The marriage is done in domestic terms, but not in legal terms if that makes any sense. On their way to the courthouse to get married, my mother caught a flat tire, which she believes was a warning sign from God not to do it. But she went through with it anyways, only for me. Ever since they separated, she has sent him divorce papers to sign, but he wouldn't do it, even to this day. In turn, my father wasn't active in my upbringing, so in turn, I grew up without any stable male figures (more on that in point #3). Which in turn, leads me to make some really dumb decisions as a male, even today. In turn, he still owes back child support, and it's somewhere in the thousands. It accumulated after him and my mother separated when I was a toddler.

2. I believe it's time for me to mention, I am African-American. I feel like my race has a stigma surrounding us having a large population of males who grew up fatherless, or who didn't know who their dads were. All of my uncles have daddy issues. And all of them didn't grow up in the house with their dads, and only saw their dads sporadically. My father's father was a wife-beater, and he left the family when my father was only 8. He didn't see him again until he was 18, and then the next time in his late twenties. Even my grandmother said that when she visited courthouses, the majority of men who were in there because they owed back child support were black. Which hurts to say the least.

3. As I've mentioned, I grew up with no male figures. My grandfather is a self-pitying man, my uncles all are weak men due to them not having strong male figures themselves, the man that was living with my mother turned out to be a liar and a manipulator, but he helped toughen me up some what when she brought him in when I was 15 years old due to me having horrific attitudes with her.

4. I don't have any siblings (only child situation) nor do I have friends in real life, or online to relate to about my situation. The rest of the people I mentioned above have siblings from their dads who they can relate to about their daddy issues; meanwhile I don't, and therefore I am all alone in my situation. It really does suck, and it makes me believe that I really do deserve to die at a young age.

5. I grew up relatively sheltered, which has impeded my social skills. I exhibited signs of autism before, but I never actually got properly tested for it, so I don't know for sure if I have it or not. But a lot of people get annoyed with me easily, due to some of the antics I do.

I'm planning on sticking out until 2027 (age 23), which is the year I will attempt to go on to glory. But it's been getting harder and harder every single day. Back in June, my grandmother got extremely fed up with the attitudes I've been having towards my mother, since that one specific night I denied a hug from her. And she went slam off on me for the first ever time in my life. She even said swear words. That gave me a wake-up call to how shitty of a person I am. I believe my mother should have just aborted me while she still had the chance. On the days I'm off work, I sleep pretty much all day long, just to simulate what it would be like to be dead. And it's been working, albeit it's been making me feel even more empty inside. I deserve it, however, for the major scumbag I am.

I don't deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be her son. I don't deserve all the sacrifices she's made for me as a single mother. I don't deserve to be prayed for by her every day. I don't deserve anything from her.

2004-2027 wouldn't look so bad on a gravestone. I might just write in my will to get cremated however. I haven't gotten to that part of my planning stage yet. Patience is key!

Man, other than me being white and probably based in a different country we have too much in common for me not to say I'd hope you'd be cool with a PM from me? I want to CTB for different reasons but I feel like my perspective might benefit you. But what I would openly say is this:

I've also felt doomed since birth, my mum and my non biological father's marriage was not an honest relationship and me realising this at a young age, and him being a bit off, messed me up pretty badly. I knew I was being gaslit and treated like a fool since I can remember. I also made some terrible decisions and they've gotten me here.

As a white person, Naturally I cannot comment on the personal experience of a black person. What I feel I can say is that, in my opinion, the African American community has some of the most inspiring public figures in the arts, athletics and politics and a rich history that stretches back to antiquity.

My non-biological father set a terrible example for me and would frequently cry about his life, drunk on whiskey. A few times me and him came to blows but it wasn't too bad because I was a young teen and he was kind of old. My stepdad came into the picture when I was finishing high school and he's been a positive influence but I think it was too late for him to help me by that point. All the positive role models in my personal life have been female friends and family. I'm not particularly effeminate it's just what I've known and I guess it made me weak in some respects. I'd never known my actual father, nothing about him. I feel like if I did, things might have been different.

I have also been known for my bizarre antics and recently scored what I'd consider accurate on two AQ tests. It's nothing to be ashamed of bro. I know it can make some things difficult but people with autistic traits also excel in certain fields. Its worth looking into!

It sounds like your mum really loves you! It sounds like you're blaming yourself for a lot of things outside your control and internalising a lot of pain. I'm sorry you feel this way bro, life can be very unfair. Try not to guilt trip yourself, I'd guess to some degree your mum understands you and what you're going through. It sounds to me like you're a good, caring person that didn't have their needs met when they were vulnerable. I'd say you deserve love and compassion and I hope you find/realise that in yourself and the world

I was pretty much doomed ever since I was conceived. I caused both of my parents to marry each other when I was six months in the womb, just so I won't come into the world as a "bastard baby", as my mother puts it. When, almost 21 years later, it turns out that I am indeed still a bastard baby in other terms. In all honesty, I'm planning on dying by the time I'm 23. I feel like that's the right age to do it at; I don't feel that now is the time to do it.

Things have been happening since my birth that is leading up to me doing the CTB method of full-suspension hanging:

1. My father left the family when I was a toddler, and him and my mother are still legally married even though they've not been together after all this time. The marriage is done in domestic terms, but not in legal terms if that makes any sense. On their way to the courthouse to get married, my mother caught a flat tire, which she believes was a warning sign from God not to do it. But she went through with it anyways, only for me. Ever since they separated, she has sent him divorce papers to sign, but he wouldn't do it, even to this day. In turn, my father wasn't active in my upbringing, so in turn, I grew up without any stable male figures (more on that in point #3). Which in turn, leads me to make some really dumb decisions as a male, even today. In turn, he still owes back child support, and it's somewhere in the thousands. It accumulated after him and my mother separated when I was a toddler.

2. I believe it's time for me to mention, I am African-American. I feel like my race has a stigma surrounding us having a large population of males who grew up fatherless, or who didn't know who their dads were. All of my uncles have daddy issues. And all of them didn't grow up in the house with their dads, and only saw their dads sporadically. My father's father was a wife-beater, and he left the family when my father was only 8. He didn't see him again until he was 18, and then the next time in his late twenties. Even my grandmother said that when she visited courthouses, the majority of men who were in there because they owed back child support were black. Which hurts to say the least.

3. As I've mentioned, I grew up with no male figures. My grandfather is a self-pitying man, my uncles all are weak men due to them not having strong male figures themselves, the man that was living with my mother turned out to be a liar and a manipulator, but he helped toughen me up some what when she brought him in when I was 15 years old due to me having horrific attitudes with her.

4. I don't have any siblings (only child situation) nor do I have friends in real life, or online to relate to about my situation. The rest of the people I mentioned above have siblings from their dads who they can relate to about their daddy issues; meanwhile I don't, and therefore I am all alone in my situation. It really does suck, and it makes me believe that I really do deserve to die at a young age.

5. I grew up relatively sheltered, which has impeded my social skills. I exhibited signs of autism before, but I never actually got properly tested for it, so I don't know for sure if I have it or not. But a lot of people get annoyed with me easily, due to some of the antics I do.

I'm planning on sticking out until 2027 (age 23), which is the year I will attempt to go on to glory. But it's been getting harder and harder every single day. Back in June, my grandmother got extremely fed up with the attitudes I've been having towards my mother, since that one specific night I denied a hug from her. And she went slam off on me for the first ever time in my life. She even said swear words. That gave me a wake-up call to how shitty of a person I am. I believe my mother should have just aborted me while she still had the chance. On the days I'm off work, I sleep pretty much all day long, just to simulate what it would be like to be dead. And it's been working, albeit it's been making me feel even more empty inside. I deserve it, however, for the major scumbag I am.

I don't deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be her son. I don't deserve all the sacrifices she's made for me as a single mother. I don't deserve to be prayed for by her every day. I don't deserve anything from her.

2004-2027 wouldn't look so bad on a gravestone. I might just write in my will to get cremated however. I haven't gotten to that part of my planning stage yet. Patience is key!

I was pretty much doomed ever since I was conceived. I caused both of my parents to marry each other when I was six months in the womb, just so I won't come into the world as a "bastard baby", as my mother puts it. When, almost 21 years later, it turns out that I am indeed still a bastard baby in other terms. In all honesty, I'm planning on dying by the time I'm 23. I feel like that's the right age to do it at; I don't feel that now is the time to do it.

Things have been happening since my birth that is leading up to me doing the CTB method of full-suspension hanging:

1. My father left the family when I was a toddler, and him and my mother are still legally married even though they've not been together after all this time. The marriage is done in domestic terms, but not in legal terms if that makes any sense. On their way to the courthouse to get married, my mother caught a flat tire, which she believes was a warning sign from God not to do it. But she went through with it anyways, only for me. Ever since they separated, she has sent him divorce papers to sign, but he wouldn't do it, even to this day. In turn, my father wasn't active in my upbringing, so in turn, I grew up without any stable male figures (more on that in point #3). Which in turn, leads me to make some really dumb decisions as a male, even today. In turn, he still owes back child support, and it's somewhere in the thousands. It accumulated after him and my mother separated when I was a toddler.

2. I believe it's time for me to mention, I am African-American. I feel like my race has a stigma surrounding us having a large population of males who grew up fatherless, or who didn't know who their dads were. All of my uncles have daddy issues. And all of them didn't grow up in the house with their dads, and only saw their dads sporadically. My father's father was a wife-beater, and he left the family when my father was only 8. He didn't see him again until he was 18, and then the next time in his late twenties. Even my grandmother said that when she visited courthouses, the majority of men who were in there because they owed back child support were black. Which hurts to say the least.

3. As I've mentioned, I grew up with no male figures. My grandfather is a self-pitying man, my uncles all are weak men due to them not having strong male figures themselves, the man that was living with my mother turned out to be a liar and a manipulator, but he helped toughen me up some what when she brought him in when I was 15 years old due to me having horrific attitudes with her.

4. I don't have any siblings (only child situation) nor do I have friends in real life, or online to relate to about my situation. The rest of the people I mentioned above have siblings from their dads who they can relate to about their daddy issues; meanwhile I don't, and therefore I am all alone in my situation. It really does suck, and it makes me believe that I really do deserve to die at a young age.

5. I grew up relatively sheltered, which has impeded my social skills. I exhibited signs of autism before, but I never actually got properly tested for it, so I don't know for sure if I have it or not. But a lot of people get annoyed with me easily, due to some of the antics I do.

I'm planning on sticking out until 2027 (age 23), which is the year I will attempt to go on to glory. But it's been getting harder and harder every single day. Back in June, my grandmother got extremely fed up with the attitudes I've been having towards my mother, since that one specific night I denied a hug from her. And she went slam off on me for the first ever time in my life. She even said swear words. That gave me a wake-up call to how shitty of a person I am. I believe my mother should have just aborted me while she still had the chance. On the days I'm off work, I sleep pretty much all day long, just to simulate what it would be like to be dead. And it's been working, albeit it's been making me feel even more empty inside. I deserve it, however, for the major scumbag I am.

I don't deserve the Jeep my mother helped me to get. I don't deserve her love. I don't deserve to be her son. I don't deserve all the sacrifices she's made for me as a single mother. I don't deserve to be prayed for by her every day. I don't deserve anything from her.

2004-2027 wouldn't look so bad on a gravestone. I might just write in my will to get cremated however. I haven't gotten to that part of my planning stage yet. Patience is key!

Hey man, I just wrote out a mini essay but my phone did a weird one and I lost it. Putting this comment here so I can refer back to it later because I'm not confident using this site's interface. But for now, I'd say, you're so much more than the pain you feel. I know this because our circumstances are in some respects very similar. I want to CTB for different reasons but I hope I can help you with yours. It sounds like you're internalising a lot and I'm sorry you feel this way

 

[MetroPunk]

I'm White and Hispanic. Didn't grow up with my father in the house either. Saw him sporadically as well. Fatherless homes exist in all cultures for all peoples. My mother worked long hours for the fire department and was never home and I was always locked inside the house. My younger brother and I were not allowed to hang out with anyone for any reason. I can relate to a bunch of what you are saying. I hope you can cut yourself some slack bud. This reads like you are beating up on yourself for a lot of stuff that isn't in your control. You are so young dude. I was homeless by the time I graduated high school and I swore that the rest of my life was going to be exactly that. Just dealing with homelessness until I died on the street somewhere. And for a good many years it was. I was homeless well into my late 20s. I'm 32 now. If I could go back and tell my 16 year old self that this situation is temporary, I think I would've handled it a lot differently. And I would have felt more at peace about my situation. You can always change your attitude towards your family. I'm sure you love your mother and your grandmother. I have a terrible relationship with my mother, don't speak to her at all but I obviously still love her. It's evident that your behavior towards the ladies in your life bothers you but it doesn't have to permanently be that way. Go hug your mom and tell her you love her, and then start showing her actively what the word "love" means to you. I bet she'd be the happiest woman on Earth to see you in a better mood.

I should probably do the same thing and reach out to my mother.

You speak with a sense of finality and it simply isn't the case. Much of what you wrote about can be changed and you can change it solo. Some suggestions: Make your Mother a gift. Go pick her some flowers from the park and bring them to her. Make dinner for her. Clean the house so she can get relax a bit more today. Tell her you're sorry about your attitude, tell her you're actively working on it, that it's at the forefront of your mind, and explain how important your relationship with her is to you. Maybe explain to her where the attitude is coming from so she has a better understanding of what's going on with your thought process. You're hurting and hurt people aren't the nicest all the time. I get grumpy and irritable and crave being alone when I'm at my most depressed. I become a total jerk.

Love is an action. You're clearly an intelligent, well-spoken man, so I'm gonna bet money that you can do this.

Thank you for posting this. I gotta call my mom! lol