HopeIsALie
Member
- Mar 13, 2024
- 20
I have been told so many times that I want to live; that what I am feeling comes from grief, stress, loneliness, unmet needs, trauma, abuse, and a life of feeling neglected and like I don't matter, and not because I actually want to die; that I am carrying way too much for one person to deal with and that I should not make any irreversible decisions while I am dysregulated; blag blah blah.
But no, on a fundamental standpoint, I am a freak. I don't care if I "deserve to live," just because I deserve something - intrinsically or no - doesn't mean I want it. And no one seems to understand. People think I want to go as an end to the pain, an escape, so things can finally be over, and while that is a nice bonus, that is not why I want so badly not to be here. I am a stain on the earth, I am corruption, I am stupid, and I want to leave so that I won't worry, disappoint, hurt, or scare anybody. I don't have anything to offer anybody, I am not important to anybody's life and that's a good thing, because it means that I can just go and no one will suffer for it.
I have always been a freak, there has always been something wrong with me, and over the past 6 or so years more things have happened to me that have broken me, ripped me apart, and corrupted me beyond repair. Now, I am even MORE fucked up. This isn't because of the pain, this is because of who I am and the fact I hate knowing I take up space here, that I have an impact on peoples lives. I just want to go, and I plan to - my New Year's resolution is to not run away anymore. I have a couple options I am considering.
I was asked that if someone could take this pain out of me, the shame and fear and regrets, and could hold me without running away, would I want to stay? And the answer is no. Even if the pain was gone and I got just a few hours of feeling safe, I would still feel horrible for the people that have to know me, to see me, to know that I exist, for the ways I have impacted the lives of others and the ways I still could, for the negativity I would bring to the world. I always wanted to help people, and the best way I know how to do that now is to remove myself from the equation. If that person who could remove that pain from me, could comfort me, make me feel better and proud and smile at me, hold me, and help me leave this world I would be so grateful, and that would be a much better scenario than the one I was proposed with hypothetically.
I know this post has no real meaning, and is pretty sad, but I have no one that I can talk to. This is the only place I can go. I am so alone, always having to smile and perform to my friends and family, everything in me is too much I can't possibly talk to anyone so this is all that I have left, and I am sorry if I said anything that gave you negative feelings too. I have wanted to die for a long time now, for so many different reasons, and these are my current reasons. Imagining dying in someone's arms, softly, peacefully, with someone who understands makes me feel much more calm, helps me regulate, and makes me feel warm and cozy. I came here because I didn't want to feel so alone, because I wanted somewhere where I could say this. This isn't written very well, and while I had my thoughts really organized as I write this they can barely come so, apologies that this post isn't so succinct, but thank you anyway for reading <3
But no, on a fundamental standpoint, I am a freak. I don't care if I "deserve to live," just because I deserve something - intrinsically or no - doesn't mean I want it. And no one seems to understand. People think I want to go as an end to the pain, an escape, so things can finally be over, and while that is a nice bonus, that is not why I want so badly not to be here. I am a stain on the earth, I am corruption, I am stupid, and I want to leave so that I won't worry, disappoint, hurt, or scare anybody. I don't have anything to offer anybody, I am not important to anybody's life and that's a good thing, because it means that I can just go and no one will suffer for it.
I have always been a freak, there has always been something wrong with me, and over the past 6 or so years more things have happened to me that have broken me, ripped me apart, and corrupted me beyond repair. Now, I am even MORE fucked up. This isn't because of the pain, this is because of who I am and the fact I hate knowing I take up space here, that I have an impact on peoples lives. I just want to go, and I plan to - my New Year's resolution is to not run away anymore. I have a couple options I am considering.
I was asked that if someone could take this pain out of me, the shame and fear and regrets, and could hold me without running away, would I want to stay? And the answer is no. Even if the pain was gone and I got just a few hours of feeling safe, I would still feel horrible for the people that have to know me, to see me, to know that I exist, for the ways I have impacted the lives of others and the ways I still could, for the negativity I would bring to the world. I always wanted to help people, and the best way I know how to do that now is to remove myself from the equation. If that person who could remove that pain from me, could comfort me, make me feel better and proud and smile at me, hold me, and help me leave this world I would be so grateful, and that would be a much better scenario than the one I was proposed with hypothetically.
I know this post has no real meaning, and is pretty sad, but I have no one that I can talk to. This is the only place I can go. I am so alone, always having to smile and perform to my friends and family, everything in me is too much I can't possibly talk to anyone so this is all that I have left, and I am sorry if I said anything that gave you negative feelings too. I have wanted to die for a long time now, for so many different reasons, and these are my current reasons. Imagining dying in someone's arms, softly, peacefully, with someone who understands makes me feel much more calm, helps me regulate, and makes me feel warm and cozy. I came here because I didn't want to feel so alone, because I wanted somewhere where I could say this. This isn't written very well, and while I had my thoughts really organized as I write this they can barely come so, apologies that this post isn't so succinct, but thank you anyway for reading <3
