Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Good evening and thank you for coming here,
First of all, I will never encourage anyone.
I have been writing almost daily since September 4 my "Death Diary" (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-diary.94274/page-2#post-1715199)
Overall, I was able to conclude last time that the process of being well prepared to ctb is hard and long.
I think I need to add some clarification here. I think this is a long process when we are anxious by nature.
There are many people who act impulsively and succeed, there are many people too, who plan in a very short period of time, who override SI and also succeed.
I think I have globally understood one thing : even if anxiety hinders success, I don't think it is an obstacle, but simply a longer path.
When I think back to my previous attempts, until I decided, with a too short, too superficial preparation, to ctb, each time I failed.
Today, I have never felt so ready.
--To reiterate the issues I have listed in the past: --
a) "Do you really want to die?" : I honestly think I am 100% ready. Even though from time to time I think about the person I love, (if you ever read this, I'm sorry, I really love you <3), as much as I love this person with all my being, it's not possible anymore, I just want to end it.
b) "Do you feel able to do it?": Yes, and even if I have some doubts about my ability to do it, I would still do it..
c) "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" : No, I have tried everything, things will never change. No matter how few happy moments there are in life, I always see them as ephemeral, so this cycle seems endless.
d) "Are you afraid to ctb?" : no, I'm almost not afraid anymore to ctb.
--I will now list some of the points I have made in the course of this introspective exercise--
First of all, these points are not scientific in the sense that they are not derived from studies, they only depend on what I conclude from the last 2 months of preparation.
1) The suicidal crisis as a funnel: I see the suicidal crisis as a funnel, at the beginning the mood is normal, declines, then the unhappiness reaches its peak. Surprisingly, the tendency is reversed when the scenario is ready and when the work to be done is simply that of not failing and no longer that of trying to get better.
--> I therefore conclude that happiness comes from the fact of telling oneself that suffering will stop
2) SI and its attempts at deterrence: I really realised that as time went on and I took it more and more seriously that I was going to die, that I had reactions or I acted as if everything was fine, or I didn't think for a second about my plan. I think I see it as the brain's penultimate attempt to preserve the species (the last one being the one directly related to the moment the fatal act is executed I guess). (Or maybe it's Denial, I don't know)
--> I really realised that this SI stunt was to be fought, because by the time I realised it, I was already losing the preparation and confidence that I had worked so hard to build.
3) The less time there is to live, the more happiness there is: So for this situation, I think it's both from thinking that the suffering will go away, but also from a psychological effect. While researching this topic, I came across a similar phenomenon that is described in a theory called "The Socio-Emotional Selectivity Theory (SEST)". To put it simply, this theory says that the shorter our life expectancy is, in other words, the more we are aware that we may die tomorrow (incurable disease, surviving an attack or a disaster...), the happier we are because we want to live the last good moments with people. In these moments, people relativize more, prefer to be positive to spend good last moments.
--> I think that the suicidal crisis involves these two phenomena
4) Suicidal crisis as a process of suppression of our social identity: So, I'll try to explain this. First of all, some psychiatrists think that this is what motivates suicide. I have meditated for a long time on what makes me want to die. Among the points I was able to come up with, I realised that there was suffering that I want to shut up, that there was fatigue and many other things. When I think in the opposite direction and ask myself what I would be able to endure again, well, for the suffering and the tiredness, even if I can't take it anymore, I feel able to live it again. However, the thing that really seems to me to be the criterion that most justifies my desire to end it all is the fact that I feel that I don't belong to this world. I feel socially out of place or absent, working makes me tired and scared in advance, meeting society's expectations too, realising that people are in a cycle, in a social structure while I am not, that also makes me panic. I really feel that this crisis doesn't make me suffer more than before personally, but I feel that it has led me to take a different path from the others (I mean those who don't go through it) and today, I feel like I don't belong to this society anymore.
--> So, this is another debate, but does the social norm and national customs lead to ill-being, does a person devoid of culture and knowledge suffer? Although there are examples in the literature of "happy idiots" as stereotypes, I sincerely wonder.
5) Thinking too much is a hindrance: I realise from time to time that the more I think about the afterlife, the more I get into my head, the more questions I ask, the more anxious I get and the less ready I feel to die. However, when I think about it, people who die of heart attacks, people who die in accidents, people who die in their sleep, I think that for the most part, they don't suffer because they haven't even had time to ask themselves the question.
--> So I try not to ask too many questions and I try to act like an automaton to succeed
6) Exposure and desensitization: Even though I have anxiety spikes from time to time, I realize how much it calms me down when I imagine myself committing the act and close my eyes and say "What if you never wake up now", when I see life as more dangerous than death. How much it helps me in my daily life to move forward in this crisis.
--> I also say to myself that others have gone through this, they have succeeded, why not me?
7) Indifference to death: I realise how much the crisis influences my perception of death and mourning. I feel that because I identify more with those who have died than with those who are still alive, I no longer feel sad when I hear about death.
--> I see it as a bit of a marker that I am on the right track
8) Isolating myself to prepare: I realise how much I need to isolate myself in order not to be rushed into my plans. Reality checks (when I see people, when I talk, when I hear about the future) are destabilising and the more I am alone, the more I prepare, the more I feel ready. On the other hand, when I prepare myself and see people, I feel like I'm starting from 0 and have to completely re-prepare myself.
--> I can't help but make the connection with a member who had posted a delayed message. He had written a thread where he said he had ctb a week before and that he had decided to stay alone until the end so as not to be disturbed.
Finally, I would say the following.
I don't really know if it is reasonable to conceive of death as scary. The concept is abstract and I know that there are things (not to mention death) that I am not even aware of.
If I wasn't aware of what death (the concept) was, I wouldn't even care what was behind that unknown. So I think I would never have been afraid of it.
Also, I realise how frightening the taboo that has been created on suicide is today. The few times I was able to talk about my intentions, I realised that I was in some way relieved. Not in the sense of saying "I don't want to do it anymore", because I do want to do it, but in the sense of saying "It takes the weight off my shoulders to imagine that you can leave without necessarily doing it in silence".
Therefore, I would like to ask something here,
Since I want to succeed on the day I'll do it, and even though I feel capable of it and have been planning everything I can from the beginning to not let SI surprise me, I will do it, would you agree to just write me under the thread I will post so I feel a little less alone?
I'm not saying this as something necessary, but I don't know, if I ever pick the wrong day without realising it and SI is too strong..
Although, no, I believe in it far too much to fail.
Anyway, if on the last day you agree to give me your warmth and presence, I think it would help a bit...
Sorry to ask,
I love you guys. <3
Thank you for reading !
First of all, I will never encourage anyone.
I have been writing almost daily since September 4 my "Death Diary" (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-diary.94274/page-2#post-1715199)
Overall, I was able to conclude last time that the process of being well prepared to ctb is hard and long.
I think I need to add some clarification here. I think this is a long process when we are anxious by nature.
There are many people who act impulsively and succeed, there are many people too, who plan in a very short period of time, who override SI and also succeed.
I think I have globally understood one thing : even if anxiety hinders success, I don't think it is an obstacle, but simply a longer path.
When I think back to my previous attempts, until I decided, with a too short, too superficial preparation, to ctb, each time I failed.
Today, I have never felt so ready.
--To reiterate the issues I have listed in the past: --
a) "Do you really want to die?" : I honestly think I am 100% ready. Even though from time to time I think about the person I love, (if you ever read this, I'm sorry, I really love you <3), as much as I love this person with all my being, it's not possible anymore, I just want to end it.
b) "Do you feel able to do it?": Yes, and even if I have some doubts about my ability to do it, I would still do it..
c) "Do you think your suffering will ever change?" : No, I have tried everything, things will never change. No matter how few happy moments there are in life, I always see them as ephemeral, so this cycle seems endless.
d) "Are you afraid to ctb?" : no, I'm almost not afraid anymore to ctb.
--I will now list some of the points I have made in the course of this introspective exercise--
First of all, these points are not scientific in the sense that they are not derived from studies, they only depend on what I conclude from the last 2 months of preparation.
1) The suicidal crisis as a funnel: I see the suicidal crisis as a funnel, at the beginning the mood is normal, declines, then the unhappiness reaches its peak. Surprisingly, the tendency is reversed when the scenario is ready and when the work to be done is simply that of not failing and no longer that of trying to get better.
--> I therefore conclude that happiness comes from the fact of telling oneself that suffering will stop
2) SI and its attempts at deterrence: I really realised that as time went on and I took it more and more seriously that I was going to die, that I had reactions or I acted as if everything was fine, or I didn't think for a second about my plan. I think I see it as the brain's penultimate attempt to preserve the species (the last one being the one directly related to the moment the fatal act is executed I guess). (Or maybe it's Denial, I don't know)
--> I really realised that this SI stunt was to be fought, because by the time I realised it, I was already losing the preparation and confidence that I had worked so hard to build.
3) The less time there is to live, the more happiness there is: So for this situation, I think it's both from thinking that the suffering will go away, but also from a psychological effect. While researching this topic, I came across a similar phenomenon that is described in a theory called "The Socio-Emotional Selectivity Theory (SEST)". To put it simply, this theory says that the shorter our life expectancy is, in other words, the more we are aware that we may die tomorrow (incurable disease, surviving an attack or a disaster...), the happier we are because we want to live the last good moments with people. In these moments, people relativize more, prefer to be positive to spend good last moments.
--> I think that the suicidal crisis involves these two phenomena
4) Suicidal crisis as a process of suppression of our social identity: So, I'll try to explain this. First of all, some psychiatrists think that this is what motivates suicide. I have meditated for a long time on what makes me want to die. Among the points I was able to come up with, I realised that there was suffering that I want to shut up, that there was fatigue and many other things. When I think in the opposite direction and ask myself what I would be able to endure again, well, for the suffering and the tiredness, even if I can't take it anymore, I feel able to live it again. However, the thing that really seems to me to be the criterion that most justifies my desire to end it all is the fact that I feel that I don't belong to this world. I feel socially out of place or absent, working makes me tired and scared in advance, meeting society's expectations too, realising that people are in a cycle, in a social structure while I am not, that also makes me panic. I really feel that this crisis doesn't make me suffer more than before personally, but I feel that it has led me to take a different path from the others (I mean those who don't go through it) and today, I feel like I don't belong to this society anymore.
--> So, this is another debate, but does the social norm and national customs lead to ill-being, does a person devoid of culture and knowledge suffer? Although there are examples in the literature of "happy idiots" as stereotypes, I sincerely wonder.
5) Thinking too much is a hindrance: I realise from time to time that the more I think about the afterlife, the more I get into my head, the more questions I ask, the more anxious I get and the less ready I feel to die. However, when I think about it, people who die of heart attacks, people who die in accidents, people who die in their sleep, I think that for the most part, they don't suffer because they haven't even had time to ask themselves the question.
--> So I try not to ask too many questions and I try to act like an automaton to succeed
6) Exposure and desensitization: Even though I have anxiety spikes from time to time, I realize how much it calms me down when I imagine myself committing the act and close my eyes and say "What if you never wake up now", when I see life as more dangerous than death. How much it helps me in my daily life to move forward in this crisis.
--> I also say to myself that others have gone through this, they have succeeded, why not me?
7) Indifference to death: I realise how much the crisis influences my perception of death and mourning. I feel that because I identify more with those who have died than with those who are still alive, I no longer feel sad when I hear about death.
--> I see it as a bit of a marker that I am on the right track
8) Isolating myself to prepare: I realise how much I need to isolate myself in order not to be rushed into my plans. Reality checks (when I see people, when I talk, when I hear about the future) are destabilising and the more I am alone, the more I prepare, the more I feel ready. On the other hand, when I prepare myself and see people, I feel like I'm starting from 0 and have to completely re-prepare myself.
--> I can't help but make the connection with a member who had posted a delayed message. He had written a thread where he said he had ctb a week before and that he had decided to stay alone until the end so as not to be disturbed.
Finally, I would say the following.
I don't really know if it is reasonable to conceive of death as scary. The concept is abstract and I know that there are things (not to mention death) that I am not even aware of.
If I wasn't aware of what death (the concept) was, I wouldn't even care what was behind that unknown. So I think I would never have been afraid of it.
Also, I realise how frightening the taboo that has been created on suicide is today. The few times I was able to talk about my intentions, I realised that I was in some way relieved. Not in the sense of saying "I don't want to do it anymore", because I do want to do it, but in the sense of saying "It takes the weight off my shoulders to imagine that you can leave without necessarily doing it in silence".
Therefore, I would like to ask something here,
Since I want to succeed on the day I'll do it, and even though I feel capable of it and have been planning everything I can from the beginning to not let SI surprise me, I will do it, would you agree to just write me under the thread I will post so I feel a little less alone?
I'm not saying this as something necessary, but I don't know, if I ever pick the wrong day without realising it and SI is too strong..
Although, no, I believe in it far too much to fail.
Anyway, if on the last day you agree to give me your warmth and presence, I think it would help a bit...
Sorry to ask,
I love you guys. <3
Thank you for reading !
Last edited:
