Venting 100% Certain I'll Die by Suicide, but Terrified of the Opportunity.

[3FailedAttemptss]

I'm trying to make sense of something and wondering if anyone else lives with this specific kind of contradiction.

I have known for many, many years, with a deep and logical certainty, that I will die by suicide. It feels like an established fact in my life script. But at the same time, a part of me is terrified of dying and is actively fighting to stay safe. It's like this: if you put a gun in front of me and gave me 10 seconds to decide, I honestly don't know what I'd do. My immediate state would determine the outcome. But if you gave me days, weeks or months with that gun available, the chance of blowing my fucking brains out becomes 100%. It's a "law of large numbers" applied to my own mind—given enough time and opportunity, the right (manic) state will eventually surface and act.

I was recently diagnosed with Schizotypal Disorder, and the best way I can explain this is through what feels like ego splitting. I experience three distinct states, and each has its own relationship with suicide:

• My 'Neutral' state: This is my baseline. It's analytical and, due to a lifelong anhedonia, has arrived at the conclusion that suicide is a logical solution to a life without joy. This is the part of me that does the research.
• My 'Manic' state: This is the part that gets actively excited about suicide. It's an invigorating, powerful urge. This is the state that takes control, puts me in the "backseat," and makes the attempts. Being in the backseat means that I just watch my body perform these suicidal actions and I am unable to do anything - I'm just trying to make sense of what's happening.
• My 'Scared' state: This is the part that is terrified of the pain, the finality, and the act of dying. This is the part that knows the 'Manic' side is unstoppable and dreads it. Suicide is just uncomfortable and I think it's tragic my life has come to this.

This is why my behavior seems so contradictory, even to me. I have attempted suicide four times in the psych ward alone, and just this week I've been actively planning my suicide—analyzing methods, thinking about the construction crane I can see from my window. But when my psychiatrist suggested moving me to a less secure open ward, I had several full-blown breakdowns. "Scared Me" was terrified because she knew the "Manic Me" would use the opportunity to kill me. I am currently fighting to stay in the safest possible environment, even though another part of me craves the freedom that would allow me to finally do it. The scared part of me hopes to stay in the closed psych ward and for some antipsychotics to finally kick in and give me full control of myself- or "fix me".

So I guess my question is, does anyone else experience this? This conflict makes me feel like a phony imposter—like someone who isn't 'really' suicidal would be fighting to stay safe. How do you make sense of being an outlier who is both the person meticulously planning their own death, and the terrified person trying to prevent it from happening?

 

[zengiraffe]

I have known for many, many years, with a deep and logical certainty, that I will die by suicide. It feels like an established fact in my life script.

I relate to this 1000%. I also don't have a single doubt in my mind that I will die by suicide, it's just a question of when at this point.

So I guess my question is, does anyone else experience this?

Kinda. I got a shotgun and a revolver 2.5 years ago. I've had both loaded and pointed at my head multiple times since then. I still have yet to pull the trigger though. Unfortunately I don't have manic episodes that propel me to do it, so I have to force myself to do it using pure willpower and discipline but I just don't have enough of either of those to overcome my SI.

I think I struggle so much because there's two different parts of my brain warring with each other. The deep-thinking, long-term planning part of my brain knows suicide is an inevitable outcome, and is also the only solution to all of my problems. The immediate-thinking, short-term acting part of my brain refuses to die though, not unless I'm under some extreme circumstances I guess. The first part of my brain is what loads the gun and points it at my head, and it's the second part the refuses to pull the trigger. I feel like I am being deathblocked by determinism. Trapped to suffer in my own body with no way out, not even with a loaded gun.

 

[wham311]

I relate to this 1000%. I also don't have a single doubt in my mind that I will die by suicide, it's just a question of when at this point.


Kinda. I got a shotgun and a revolver 2.5 years ago. I've had both loaded and pointed at my head multiple times since then. I still have yet to pull the trigger though. Unfortunately I don't have manic episodes that propel me to do it, so I have to force myself to do it using pure willpower and discipline but I just don't have enough of either of those to overcome my SI.

I think I struggle so much because there's two different parts of my brain warring with each other. The deep-thinking, long-term planning part of my brain knows suicide is an inevitable outcome, and is also the only solution to all of my problems. The immediate-thinking, short-term acting part of my brain refuses to die though, not unless I'm under some extreme circumstances I guess. The first part of my brain is what loads the gun and points it at my head, and it's the second part the refuses to pull the trigger. I feel like I am being deathblocked by determinism. Trapped to suffer in my own body with no way out, not even with a loaded gun.

I hate relating to this

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I relate to this 1000%. I also don't have a single doubt in my mind that I will die by suicide, it's just a question of when at this point.


Kinda. I got a shotgun and a revolver 2.5 years ago. I've had both loaded and pointed at my head multiple times since then. I still have yet to pull the trigger though. Unfortunately I don't have manic episodes that propel me to do it, so I have to force myself to do it using pure willpower and discipline but I just don't have enough of either of those to overcome my SI.

I think I struggle so much because there's two different parts of my brain warring with each other. The deep-thinking, long-term planning part of my brain knows suicide is an inevitable outcome, and is also the only solution to all of my problems. The immediate-thinking, short-term acting part of my brain refuses to die though, not unless I'm under some extreme circumstances I guess. The first part of my brain is what loads the gun and points it at my head, and it's the second part the refuses to pull the trigger. I feel like I am being deathblocked by determinism. Trapped to suffer in my own body with no way out, not even with a loaded gun.

why there seem to be contradictory beliefs and feelings in a single person / brain. part of me knows i need to and want to kill myself but other parts stopping me with irrational fears etc. . I think in each brain there are several differing models of concepts for example including the world , reality , "me", the self , life, suicide , Death etc in the brain . The 1000 brains theory says there are many models of objects or concepts . imo these models are in competition for attention of the current conscious thought . it's the models that win the competition at that moment that take control of attention of the brain and conscious thought and conscious action.

The Thousand Brains Theory of Intelligence

In our most recent peer-reviewed paper published in Frontiers in Neural Circuits, A Framework for Intelligence and Cortical Function Based on Grid Cells in the Neocortex, we put forward a novel theory for how the neocortex works. In this updated blog about the Thousand Brains Theory of...

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Also from a summary of Eagleman's book "incognito"

Conscious thought has a surprisingly small impact on your life and most of your behaviors are driven by the unconscious mind. There are competing beliefs within your unconscious mind that are all battling for the single output of your conscious behavior. The complex interactions between your genetics and your environment determine the trajectory of your life.

Incognito by David Eagleman

This is a book summary of Incognito by David Eagleman. Read this Incognito summary to review key ideas and lessons from the book.

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