Nirrend
The important is not how long you live ...
- Mar 12, 2022
- 400
Hi everyone, so it's been 1 month of Death Diary now (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/death-diary.94274/page-2#post-1682783)
When I think about the fluctuations of my mood from 1 to 10 each day, in the suicidal crisis, it looks like we don't start at 1 and end at 10 before Ctb.
I know that some people act at 5 or 4, by impulsive act and not minutely prepared.
Then I realised that the precipitating factors are not necessarily adequate, several weeks ago I had encountered difficulties with something, I was at 9/10 and was ready to do it, recently, following an argument, I was at 10/10 and wanted to do it too. And what makes me smile as I write these words is that I am currently at 8/10 and I know that if I had to do it, I would do it, because I am perfectly ready tonight.
If I go back to the questions I used to ask myself regularly, I would answer:
"Do you really want to die?" - I would say 99,9% yes, i know that a really few things make me unsure, but, i will work on it.
"Do you think your suffering will ever change?" - No
"Are you afraid of ctb?" - No, I'm currently just scared to regret
"Do you feel able to do it?" - Yes
I think that this state is sincerely the ideal to leave, I reread what I wrote about death and the fact that what scares us is not death, but not knowing.
I have also read things from soldiers who explain that what makes them not afraid to die is that they think that death is less bad than what they can endure on the front line if they are wounded or tortured.
Finally, I have read accounts, both here and elsewhere, which suggest that SI have weakness in very specific circumstances.
The circumstances in question are :
1) Controlling emotion and anxiety (philosophising, relativising, exposing oneself to what one fears, but also the use of anxiolytics)
2) Shifting the consideration of absolute danger from point A to B. For the 2nd point I explain myself, during the Nazi period, some Jews committed suicide without fear, some people about to be homeless commit suicide without fear too, why? Because A (life) has become more threatening than B (death). So, SI generates an automatc act of self-destruction because the person is more afraid of being homeless or tortured by the German army than of being immediately dead.
In relation to everything I wrote just before, I think several things:
1) You have to be able to answer the questions: ""Do you really want to die?" Do you think your suffering will ever change?" "Are you afraid of ctb?" "Do you feel able to do it?" with self-confidence
2) I think we have to feel able to act, because if we don't feel able to succeed, I guess we will fail
3) We need to seriously expose ourselves to our fears (imagine being asleep and never waking up, imagine being dead, let the anxiety come 100% and learn to calm it down in a reasoned way) (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...our-anxiety-repost-because-of-an-error.91180/)
4) Knowing how to consider death as something normal, inevitable and poetic (I still do and death today evokes something beautiful)
5) Know how to modulate the activity of SI (anxiolytics, consider A more dangerous than B, and do what I said above, de-dramatise)
My opinion is that, these 5 points are fundamental and I think that when they are respected, there is the question, "Am I ready to do it today? "
In which case, if a date is already planned, I think that the work is based on a great deal of preparation up until D-day
I hope you find these points interesting, in any case, I will NEVER encourage ANYONE.
Thank you for reading these points, I will republish more until I am no longer of this world.
I love you <3
When I think about the fluctuations of my mood from 1 to 10 each day, in the suicidal crisis, it looks like we don't start at 1 and end at 10 before Ctb.
I know that some people act at 5 or 4, by impulsive act and not minutely prepared.
Then I realised that the precipitating factors are not necessarily adequate, several weeks ago I had encountered difficulties with something, I was at 9/10 and was ready to do it, recently, following an argument, I was at 10/10 and wanted to do it too. And what makes me smile as I write these words is that I am currently at 8/10 and I know that if I had to do it, I would do it, because I am perfectly ready tonight.
If I go back to the questions I used to ask myself regularly, I would answer:
"Do you really want to die?" - I would say 99,9% yes, i know that a really few things make me unsure, but, i will work on it.
"Do you think your suffering will ever change?" - No
"Are you afraid of ctb?" - No, I'm currently just scared to regret
"Do you feel able to do it?" - Yes
I think that this state is sincerely the ideal to leave, I reread what I wrote about death and the fact that what scares us is not death, but not knowing.
I have also read things from soldiers who explain that what makes them not afraid to die is that they think that death is less bad than what they can endure on the front line if they are wounded or tortured.
Finally, I have read accounts, both here and elsewhere, which suggest that SI have weakness in very specific circumstances.
The circumstances in question are :
1) Controlling emotion and anxiety (philosophising, relativising, exposing oneself to what one fears, but also the use of anxiolytics)
2) Shifting the consideration of absolute danger from point A to B. For the 2nd point I explain myself, during the Nazi period, some Jews committed suicide without fear, some people about to be homeless commit suicide without fear too, why? Because A (life) has become more threatening than B (death). So, SI generates an automatc act of self-destruction because the person is more afraid of being homeless or tortured by the German army than of being immediately dead.
In relation to everything I wrote just before, I think several things:
1) You have to be able to answer the questions: ""Do you really want to die?" Do you think your suffering will ever change?" "Are you afraid of ctb?" "Do you feel able to do it?" with self-confidence
2) I think we have to feel able to act, because if we don't feel able to succeed, I guess we will fail
3) We need to seriously expose ourselves to our fears (imagine being asleep and never waking up, imagine being dead, let the anxiety come 100% and learn to calm it down in a reasoned way) (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...our-anxiety-repost-because-of-an-error.91180/)
4) Knowing how to consider death as something normal, inevitable and poetic (I still do and death today evokes something beautiful)
5) Know how to modulate the activity of SI (anxiolytics, consider A more dangerous than B, and do what I said above, de-dramatise)
My opinion is that, these 5 points are fundamental and I think that when they are respected, there is the question, "Am I ready to do it today? "
In which case, if a date is already planned, I think that the work is based on a great deal of preparation up until D-day
I hope you find these points interesting, in any case, I will NEVER encourage ANYONE.
Thank you for reading these points, I will republish more until I am no longer of this world.
I love you <3
